Welcome to the new year.

From your favorite "hate-filled, evil, satanic, devil-worshipping, slut-liar"...at least that's what my dear husband calls me for short.

I had a bad day at work and was fed up with Hyde turning lights out on me all the time. Tonight I snapped after he walked down hall, knowing I was behind him, and left me in the dark in 3 different rooms. Culmination of weeks asking him not to turn lights out on me all the time and very bad day at work. Shouldn't have yelled at him to stop turning the lights out but I did.

That lead to much grousing about how I was always yelling at him and it was no wonder he couldn't get close to me. How he had lived for 12 years with my short fuse and was sick of it. I apologized, asked that we stick to issue and not over generalize about 12 years worth of issues.

Made the apparent-now mistake of mentioning his lack of experience in relationships. Any little bad mood is suddenly a huge deal to him instead of a sign to either say wow bad day, leave me be for while or try being extraordinarily nice. Said I really hope he can see that I'm sorry, will work on biting my tongue more especially when I've had bad day and this isn't just about bad day but the turning off lights thing too. Oh and said I really hope we can be done with this issue now.

He yelled for a while about how I said everything was his fault. Still not sure what he twisted to get that. And he ranted about how I kept changing what I need. I said for 12 years I've mainly wanted honest conversation. No grudges, if there's an issue, we talk and move on. If there's a reason you want or don't want to do something then tell me honestly what's going on.

So then I say you know I'm not going to be a hypocrite. There is something that really hurt me and I've not said anything for a few weeks. I really wanted all of us to go on my last business trip and Hyde refused. At the time he mentioned the gun laws of CA, the TSA and Tarmac delays with flying, money and seems like a couple other issues. Basically would never discuss for any length of time just gave me a no.

I assumed it was primarily gun law related. So tonight I said I thought it did a real disservice to us, ShortStuff especially, that everything we did including where we go for vacation, hinged on whether he could bring a gun. He said "I can't fly. It would be worse with ShortStuff. Don't ask." I hate hearing someone say they "can't" do something without hearing the why of it. So I asked why can't you. He flipped.

Screamed he hated me over and over. Packed a bag. Stormed out. Called five minutes later screaming at me so loudly that I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. Picked up he was scared to fly and didn't want ShortStuff to see him that way. Or at least I thought that was what he said.

He came home a few minutes later. Screamed and yelled some more. Mainly yelling he hated me for asking why. Hated me for forcing him to admit he was scared. Hated me for emasculating him. I tried to explain that I needed to know why to things and that all he had to do was say I'm scared and don't want ShortStuff to see me scared. Then screamed that me saying that was all I needed to hear to drop the issue was the most hate filled thing I've ever said and called me the description I opened with above.

Really trying to look at ways that I can be refined and strengthened by this. Really trying. Not succeeding mind you but trying.