The latest happenings

Apparently Hyde did not receive the text I sent him on Sunday night/Monday morning, so at 3 a.m. or so he calls to tell me he's almost home. I said well thanks for calling but we aren't there. He asked if we were gone for good or just for the night. I assured him it was just for the night. I took Monday off and kept ShortStuff home from school. Hyde took the day off as well. He called to ask where we were and I just said a friend's. He hung up on me. Later he texted to ask if he still had access to our bank account. I said yes and that was all I heard for several hours.

Around noon, I started getting our things together to head home. I sent a text asking if he even wanted us to come home. He said yes. I then replied okay we are on our way. Please do not yell. ShortStuff needs a nap and once he is asleep, we can talk calmly about where we go from here. He replied okay. Once we got in, Hyde and I both laid down with ShortStuff until he fell asleep and then we went to the living room to talk. He told me he went to talk to my dad to try to understand me. He seemed surprised that my dad confirmed that they had raised me to be independent and self-sufficient. Of course, this is what I've been telling him for 11+ years and all I meant by saying I didn't need him (or anyone) to provide financially for me. I never meant that as an insult or as trying to undermine God's law. Just that financial security is the least of my emotional needs and not why I got married. He didn't really tell me much of anything about his visit with my dad at this point. He also mentioned that it did not seem like I was very supportive of his writing because of what I had said about his pretending to work. I said that I was stressed with ShortStuff and popped off when I shouldn't have and that I was sorry. I went on to say that I really did hope he could turn writing into a career. This time, I refrained from saying, you know maybe you should start with blogging, or freelancing, or some such in addition to working on the book, rather than thinking you'll just sell a book immediately. However, he approaches this like he does hunting. He wants to get the big 5 of African game but hasn't killed a deer here in state.

One of the elders had called earlier on Monday and left a voice mail for Hyde. Hyde has very, ahem, strong feelings about that elder and so he called another elder and asked if we could talk with just him and his wife. They of course agreed and we are to meet tonight after services. I've since made plans for ShortStuff to go hang out with a friend of ours after services. The rest of Monday went fairly well. He went to the gym, came home, watched some tv and wrote some more.

My mom emailed asking if Hyde had told me much about his conversation. I told her that he had said very little other than the comment about the independence. Oh and that he had raised an issue about something he thought Dad believed about my views on Hyde being in law school. I'm not sure if I wasn't clear all these many years, if Dad misunderstood or if Hyde mis-relayed the conversation. With Mom, I tried to clear up that Hyde had not intentionally joined an all-girls study group, but rather that there was a night I was in Denver on one of my first business trips; I had tried to reach Hyde for several hours and Hyde had been studying with his group which did include some women. I flipped because I knew how close I got to my study partners when I was in law school, I was in a city where I knew no one and didn't have even a rental car and was definitely a newbie at business travel and we were newly married. I've told him repeatedly I overreacted for all those reasons and then later when he used this event as a reason to drop out, I begged him to stay in but he wanted me to promise/swear we would not have any more fights the rest of the year. I said I would do my absolute best not to fight but I couldn't promise there'd be none. So, that's why he says I didn't support him in law school and quit.

Tuesday went along fairly well up to a point. I forgot to mention that my mother in law sent us both a long email on Monday. As always, some valid points but not exactly seasoned with salt and not having 100% of the facts right. I did not respond other than to acknowledge receiving it as she requested. Hyde had not read it as of Tuesday morning. I'm still not sure he read all of it but he did tell her that we were going to rely on the elder and his wife rather than bringing any of our family into this anymore.

1 am Tuesday night/Wednesday morning - I'm awakened to hear "How can you sleep? Get up. If I can't sleep, neither should you. (ShortStuff had crawled in our bed around midnight and so he was there asleep beside me.) I told him that I was not going to do this. He then started in asking who I told and what did I tell them. I told him for a second time that I had asked a friend to talk to the elders. That first she was talking to Elder A, then Elder B came in and then Elder C. That she mentioned he did things like oh say wake me up in the middle of the night, constantly badger me about my diet and exercise, bring up things repeatedly from the past without ever letting them go, yells, cusses, throws things and the like. He walked out at this point.

Then he came back in and said "You are the rottenness in my bones. I'm ashamed of you and ashamed to be married to you. You are an egotistical, self-centered...and then he trails off without saying what was probably the next word there. Walks out for a minute and then comes back in and says I'm the biggest hypocrite he knows. Then he tells me that I'm not allowed to teach in the teen workshop weekend that is coming up in 3 days. He asks if I'm going to tell the elders or is he. I said you are going to have to do that.

He then starts in about how I had said I was going to call Elder C (the one he has crossed in the past I guess) and now he knows. I said right but so do two of the others and as I explained I asked our friend to talk to them. Then he says well you said you were going to talk to Elder C, Elder C now knows but oh you had nothing at all to do with it. (I wish I could convey the voice he was using at this point.) I again said I had sent our friend a note saying that Hyde would probably be most comfortable talking to Elder B and feel free to call Elder A, B or C. He said no, I'm not calling them in the middle of the night.

He starts in about how I had abused him for years and years. (As I've mentioned, I did hit him out of frustration almost every time we had a big fight for the first several years of our marriage. Regardless of the frustrations I felt, I was sinful to hit him and I've asked both God and Hyde to forgive me. Plus, it has been years since I've hit him.) Hyde then brings up a statement I'll forever regret saying. Years ago when I was still saying and doing so many wrong things, he said we needed to go to the elders about how I was acting. In a moment of shame/panic/pride, I said if you go to elders and tell them I hit you, I could lie and everyone would believe me without any hesitation. It is my biggest regret that I ever said that for so many reasons and right now it is my biggest fear that people will assume that if I once said that I must be making all this up. One of the things everyone at work will tell you, I cannot abide lying. Any type of deception. I will willingly pay tons of extra money if a webinar is set up to charge per person, even if the host company would never know how many were listening in. My boss told me once I was too honest. I hope he was joking but that is one thing I try to do in every action. I'm scared to death that this one flippant comment, one that I wouldn't have carried through on, will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I mention that this was years ago, I had said shortly thereafter that I was very wrong to think/say that and I asked him to forgive me for reacting that way. He said well you need to tell the elders that you said that. I said fine. Then he said you need to go before the congregation and tell the congregation you said that. I said it is not a public sin and I did not think that would serve any purpose. (In my mind, I suspect he wants to paint me as a liar so no one believes anything I say about his actions....and of course that is my fear.) When I said that, he said but you said everyone knows everything. I said no I said the 3 elders know and then of course he knows our friend knows. Hyde responds yeah I guess I'll hear all about it tomorrow night (tonight) and about how he's done everything wrong and I'm so perfect. I said no, do you want to see the text I sent to our friend saying be sure and tell the elders that I want them to know I've messed up. LOTS. He refused to even look at the text.

All of this only took about 30 minutes and he went to the other room to sleep. By this point, I could not go back to sleep so I got up to try to fill out this job application that he asked me to submit to an area school on his behalf. A few minutes later he came in and asked if I enjoyed playing the victim Sunday night. Getting to run off and hide away and get all this sympathy. I said it wasn't an act. I needed to be around people. He then asked how it feels to be a brawling and contentious woman. When I didn't respond he said are you denying it? Are you? Isn't it ironic that everyone is so worried about me becoming violent when you are the only one that has ever hit. (Oh, one other thing. My mom asked me if Hyde mentioned that my dad met him at the back door and asked if he was armed. I said no Hyde did not mention that even though I had mentioned that the whole conceal carry passion will likely come up. My mom said she'd never seen my dad as concerned as he was Sunday evening and he wanted to make sure someone knew he was on his way there in case Hyde snapped.)

He starts off to bed, again, and then comes back and says oh did you tell the elders about how you just can't let your ex go and you can't just give him up? I said again I didn't talk to the elders and no our friend did not mention that. Hyde says well you said that. Are you saying you didn't? Because if you are saying you didn't say that you are a liar. A liar. That's what you are. And then he heads to bed. This time he stays there. This morning he got up and didn't say a word to me and barely acknowledged ShortStuff and didn't say goodbye when he left. I can handle him not saying goodbye to me but don't take it out on our baby. Then a couple hours later he texts to make sure my dentist appointment went okay.

Oh, if you wonder how I remember any of the conversations. He's in and out of the room a lot during these tirades and I try to write them down on my phone as soon as possible. I don't want to run the risk of trying to remember later and then expand or add my own twist to what was actually said because time has passed. (Did that make sense?)

Lost

So everything is out in open or at least on the path to being out in open. Everything I read says that's best. We will see.

Expect to hear from elders soon. I asked a friend to talk to them for me. Why I didn't talk to them years ago is beyond me. Why don't we feel more comfortable going to those watching over our souls? Is it just me? Just this generation? Lack of faith? I pray that we might all be given the wisdom & strength to do what is right in His sight.

Hyde went to my parents house tonight. Knew nothing about it until my mom called scared to death. Hyde had called them & said he was half-way there. (We live 180 miles from my parents.) He didn't tell them anything else. They were convinced I was dead. My dad was worried about Hyde's mental stability combined with the fact that Hyde always carries a weapon. My dad called Hyde's dad. They headed to my parents house from their house several miles away. How pathetic are we that at ages 41 & 36 our parents are involved?

Hyde texted me when he got there and said "talking to your dad". I simply responded with "ok". He called a bit later to ask about ShortStuff, then said see you in morning. He later texted to tell me my dad told him he'd never understand me. Then my mom called about 11:45 to tell me Hyde was heading back to our house.

I'm at a friend's house tonight with ShortStuff. Sent Hyde a note to say be careful, we were at a friends & we would talk later. No response from him.

I've tried to be nothing but honest both in relaying what is going on & in seeking solutions. Feel like my integrity is being questioned or will be in near future. Really feeling lost tonight at this point. Can't turn to most friends because they advocate divorce. Not at the drop of a hat or anything but in situations like this. I need to find a way to use this challenge to draw me closer to God. Don't think I have the ability to look at it like that tonight tho. Know there are a lot of people praying for me which helps because I'm not sure I can anymore. Going to try to rest. No clue what to do about tomorrow. Have a meeting I really need to go to but if I go it will just look like I'm choosing my career over everything. No clue if I should take ShortStuff to school either. Guess I will try to just turn it over to God & not worry about whether I will be fired. Why is that so difficult?

A breaking point.

Saturday night I was trying to get stuff together for the Bible class I teach. ShortStuff was all over me, wanting me to play. I tried to get him to play for a few minutes. Hyde sat in the kitchen on the laptop & didn't offer to help. ShortStuff tried talking him at another point & Hyde wouldn't even acknowledge him. I asked him to put pjs on ShortStuff & he made a big scene about having to leave working on his book.

Today ShortStuff was sick after we got home from lunch. He was screaming, had an accident in his pants for first time in over a year & was being quite challenging. After an hour I asked for help. I popped off about needing him to help me instead of sitting there pretending to work & not lifting a hand to help me with ShortStuff over past three days. I should have kept my mouth shut for several reasons.

Hyde got mad, started yelling, said he would just add writing to the list of things he can no longer do. He did finally lie down with us briefly to get ShortStuff to sleep. He was gone when we woke up. He did not leave a note, take his gym bag or even call to check on ShortStuff.

I decided to keep ShortStuff in since he was still having tummy troubles. About ten minutes before six, he came back home. He walked in & jerked the papers out of my hand. ShortStuff was standing there watching as he screamed how I didn't care about ShortStuff & from the time he was 6 weeks old I would have just left him anywhere that would have taken him just so I could have a career. I decided I couldn't take him doing this to us anymore so I picked up my phone to call 911. He started to take phone away & I said no I'm calling the police. He decided I was kicking him out because I had started to call 911. He started packing stuff.

I told him that if he would talk I would be glad to try to talk through stuff but I didn't want him screaming at me because for one thing ShortStuff always tries to bite him when he yells at me now. He kept trying to pack & i asked him not to leave & said look at who you are leaving besides just me. He screamed that I got a career & expected him to be the b1tch in the family. I put my hand on his chest & said look at your son, I do not want you talking like that in front of him. He said be sure to let police know I was hitting him. I promise all I did was put my hand on his chest. He shoved me out of the way & tried to leave. I tried to stop him by stepping in front of him & he fell while trying to get out door.

He yelled some more about how I didn't support his writing. (Never mind that I read through what he had written so far, offered comments, told him I would look up legal limits of doctor patient privilege.) He was still grabbing stuff & ShortStuff & I were following him. ShortStuff bit him pretty hard & Hyde went running out of the house screaming. He came back & grabbed the laptop. I tried to stop him by saying it was part of my tax return too that bought the laptop & that the car was in my name too. I don't know why I said that. Desperation?

ShortStuff has only asked a couple of things. I tried to explain that Daddy & I made some bad choices & shouldn't have been yelling. He asked about shoving & I just said that was another bad choice. God help us all.

Sigh

Hyde tends to sigh A LOT. I try to ignore it however when I'm in the bathroom & he is standing outside the door sighing over & over I assume he's trying to get my attention. Silly me asked if he was sighing at me. I had asked him to get ShortStuff dressed for bed. His response to my question was screaming, NOT yelling, but screaming stop it, stop it, stop it repeatedly & then let me sigh in peace. Fine. But do you have any idea how tough it is to ignore someone who constantly sighs & mutters & carries on conversations with themselves but uses your name repeatedly? Oh & ShortStuff tried to bite him again when he was screaming. One would think that would have an impact on him.

Spring Break

Hyde has been on Spring Break all week. ShortStuff's Spring Break started today. Yesterday, I had to be in town to give a presentation at 6:45 a.m. I am not a morning person. At all. Anyway, I make it to the presentation, give it and afterward, I'm discussing how poorly it went with one of my colleagues. My phone rings. It is Hyde holding the phone up so I could hear ShortStuff screaming. Hyde informs me that ShortStuff woke up scared because I wasn't there, that he cannot do anything with ShortStuff and that ShortStuff only wanted me. (He says this in front of ShortStuff all the time. Gee, self-fulfilling prophecy much?) I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said "nothing" and hung up. Ten minutes later my phone rings again and I answer it to hear "Come home. Now." Click.

So I drive home. Mind you, we live at least 20 minutes from town and I'm going to have to turn around and head right back to work. I walk in to find ShortStuff in his high chair with his arms crossed. He wasn't making a sound, just staring at Hyde who is sitting, cross armed, in a chair across from ShortStuff. I get ShortStuff fed and clothed and take him to school. Rest of the day goes okay, other than the fact that I'm at work until after 6:30. Rarely happens especially in the role that I've been in for the past 4 years.

And here we are at Wednesday. I leave the house and Hyde and ShortStuff are still asleep. I get a call mid-morning. Hyde is at the library with ShortStuff where there is supposed to be a story-time hour but there isn't. He asks if I'd like for them to pick me up for lunch later. I say sure. They pick me up and we have a nice lunch. However, when it is time for them to drop me back off, ShortStuff starts crying because he wants to come back to my office. I walk back to my office feeling awful as Hyde drives off with a screaming ShortStuff. And just in case I wasn't feeling horrible enough, an hour later I answer my phone to hear ShortStuff still crying.

Ten minutes later and another phone call. This time it is Hyde telling me that my son only wants me and how he (Hyde, not ShortStuff) begged me for years to allow him to have a career and I said I didn't need him to support me. Yes, we've been down this road repeatedly. I am not sure how any Christian husband can say their wife did not allow them to have a career. Regardless, I have asked for forgiveness for not supporting him 100% in some of his career choices. Read earlier posts. Pretty sure I laid that all out earlier on here and I am positive I've gone over it repeatedly with Hyde. His view - I always do whatever it is I want and then years later say "ooops, sorry" and expect all to be forgotten. How do I handle this? Any of this?

But wait....there's more.

He then starts in on me about how I'll be a real good example at the teen workshop weekend our home congregation is hosting next weekend. He asked if I was going to teach them how to ruin their marriages to and then hung up.

I'm really trying to look at this as a way to build my strength spiritually but it is getting harder every day. Especially after the last time when ShortStuff started trying to bite Hyde to protect me. Help. What do I do? Do I go to the elders? An elder's wife? Do I say go to this link, read everything there, it outlines our past 11 years and then come talk to me?

Please pray that I'll be given wisdom.

Consistency

Every time we visit my parents, Hyde throws a massive fit. (Okay maybe there have been two times where he didn't.) I pretty much knew it was coming. Hyde was muttering under his breath all last night & flopping all around exasperated. Plus he & my dad discussed several things, including views on bankruptcy & a sermon that our friend had preached a few weeks back. My dad & Hyde do not view much in this world the same.

About 40 minutes after we got back to our house, he started in on how I was a liar, how I put my career first, how if I wasn't exercising I was not allowed to watch tv any more, how he was celibate. At some point I tried to speak & was informed that this was a lecture not a conversation. He went on for a while. I tried to point out that it was he who had insisted ShortStuff sleep with us & he who had not initiated any intimacy in years. Yes years. He then started holding his head & saying oh my head. (Mocking me...in case you missed that.)

Then back to calling me a liar. He said did you say you were going to use treadmill. I said yes. Then he said are you using it. I said no. So he said well then you are a liar. Tell that to the elders. (I had mentioned earlier that I thought we needed to go to the elders.) I said well I guess I could say the same about you because you've said before that you were going to stop cussing at me, threatening divorce, yelling in front of ShortStuff & putting holes in walls/doors. He then brought up how he cut put holes in my face like I used to do to him. I said first I haven't hit in years, I've asked for forgiveness & I never hit hard enough to leave a mark let alone a hole (wouldn't make it right just because there wasn't a mark by the way). So then he starts in that it is only because I'm medicated. Nice shot below the belt. I said yes the medicine helps me control my anger but I've also focused on spiritual things, especially prayer. About this time ShortStuff walked up and started trying to bite him repeatedly. He didn't stop trying to bite Hyde until Hyde stopped berating me. Then we all packed up & went to Bible study like a big hypocritical, ahem, happy family.

Mulligan

Apologies to anyone who might actually read this blog about the crazy postings from Monday. Not sure what was going on between my phone and blogger. Anyway, here is the original post regarding Friday - Monday.

So where were we? Oh right, date night was this past Friday night. It should be noted that this past Friday was the 12th not the 13th. We dropped ShortStuff off at our friends house and headed to this newish restaurant in town. LONG wait. Like an hour and a half. Next time we will definitely have to make reservations early in the week.

We had a very enjoyable dinner. Edamame appetizers, a yummy salad (and I am NOT a salad fan), amazing scallops for me and salmon for Hyde. Then a scrumptious creme brûlée dessert. Great conversation. No dull dead time. No snippiness. Then a quick stop at bookstore and off to pick up ShortStuff. On way to get him Hyde asked how I was liking the book I was reading, "Sacred Marriage". I said it was great and explained how it really put things in perspective about how mankind will never be able to give us the love we crave. Only God can fill that need. But if we recognize that every human sins and will let us down at times because that is just our nature, it really helps move past those hurts. (Please no that I do not believe in inherited sin but do believe Romans 3:23.)

I also mentioned how the book stressed that if you want a holier marriage you cannot sit around thinking "oh I should have married so and so or just not married at all". That this line of thinking does nothing to draw you closer to God because if you are committed to God then divorce is not going to be an option.

We pick up ShortStuff, head home and get him in bed. I should point out that about six months ago or so, ShortStuff started sleeping with us. I have mentioned several times that this is not good; tried several times to do the bed routine in his big boy bed; but when the tears start Hyde says we all need our sleep just let him sleep with us. So Friday night was no different. We put him to bed in our bed. Then Hyde starts getting ready for bed as well. I think well ok then and do the same. I probably should have thrown myself at him at this point.

Next thing I know Hyde starts in on how he is sick of the preacher saying he just has to accept things the way they are and now I am saying same thing. That neither of us care what the Bible teaches. I said that it seemed like he only wanted to apply verses on wives submitting in all things but did not want the rest of the Bible. He basically responded with Nuh uh.

By the way, no clue where the remark regarding preacher came from. Anyway he says he can not accept things the way they are when they are sinful and immoral. I ask what things. He says if I have to ask it is not worth his time to tell me. I think I fell asleep about then. He did his usual toss and turn, huff and puff, trying to get me to check on him. I stayed, ahem, asleep.

Saturday - I was supposed to go to a wedding shower and Hyde was supposed to watch ShortStuff. However he had forgotten about a huge zoo event. I had told him the day before to go ahead and volunteer and I would just take ShortStuff and drop the gift off. Saturday morning I wake up feeling like I had been kicked by a mule, no voice, eyes swollen shut, earache, headache, etc. Apparently it was obvious I felt bad and he felt guilty leaving, so naturally, he threw a fit about how he never got to do anything and guess he had to give up the zoo as well. I told him I did not want him to stay because that would just make me feel worse with him grousing around. So he stormed out around 8 am and did not come home until around 3. Did not even check in to make sure ShortStuff was ok.

I stayed home all Saturday and Sunday. Absolutely miserable. I already had today (15th) off thankfully. Pleasant day. Chiropractic visit, pedicure and lunch with a dear friend and her baby girl.

Things I will never understand - how one can be happy spending less than 30 minutes of awake time with your child. Hyde picked ShortStuff up from his school and drove home. He then said he had to lie down. After about an hour he got up and started packing for gym. While he was packing I asked him if he was going to respond to his sister in law regarding going to see his grandparents.

This is something else I will never understand. I grew up very, VERY close to my four grandparents. We have not seen his grandparents in three years. There is always an excuse. Jobs, money, ShortStuff, something. After he hemmed and hawed I finally said look if you do not want to go just say so. He got all bent out of shape and stomped out without so much of a bye to me. At least he did say bye to ShortStuff this time.

A few hours later as I almost have ShortStuff to sleep he comes home and wants to know what I ate for dinner. I tell him I had a lovely gluten free burrito. He says well I am going to cook and you can eat a bit more. Roller coaster. Roller coaster of love.

Random. Date night this Friday. Suggested by Hyde. Going to try out newish restaurant at my suggestion. Headaches appear to be caused by gluten. Yay for cause, boo for effect because bread is a BIG weakness of mine and a major comfort food. My boss has me wondering if major personality changes are an indicator for some horrible health problem he has not shared with us. Of course, working where we do will take its toll on ones mind, body and spirit. Oh and the book Sacred Marriage is phenomenal. Think it could be life changing.