Worthless. That's apparently my life story. I feel that way at work, at home & even in the congregation where I worship. On some tiny little rational side, I can begrudgingly acknowledge this might not be reality but it is definitely how I feel right now. At work, I'm not worth enough for my past bosses to acknowledge the birth of my son. Yes, I realize he's almost 3 & I should be past that but it has recently been brought back to mind. I'm not worth enough for people to remember to include me in some critical discussions. At the congregation, I don't feel like anyone has considered me truly worth getting to know. (There are a couple of noted exceptions for which I'm thankful.) And at home, I'm certainly not worth the effort of knowing & loving. I mean if failure to update the bank balance equals such a grievous wrong that I am sleeping alone tonight, how much value can one have placed on me? Again with a tiny shred of logic, I can recognize the signs of depression & the devastating exhaustion due to constant headaches as potentially clouding my judgment but that's how I'm feeling nonetheless. I pray tonight that I can put my self centered thoughts aside & get past these feelings soon. I realize nothing good can come from this thought pattern.

Migraines are horrible on their own. They are 100 times worse when married to someone like Hyde. He's yelled at me because I couldn't get ShortStuff ready for worship services, yelled at me because he was missing a friend of ours preaching tonight & grilled me about buying a one dollar toy for ShortStuff because it was made in China. I hate my life & I'm sick of all this crap.

A new year; a fresh start. Could it be?

Hardly! At 12:22 a.m., Hyde jabs my shoulder and says wake up. He who is almost always still in bed when I leave for work, was mad that I was asleep already. He then asked if I thought I was being a good Christian wife. I said yes in most ways. (I mean we all have trying areas and room for improvement, right? Shouldn't we always feel like we could do better?) So then as a lovely way to end our anniversary and start the next year of our marriage, he hands me his wedding ring & says I'm not wearing this until you can be a good wife in all ways. And then heads to other room. Anyone reading this, please lift us up in prayer.

Eleven Years

I often feel unbalanced and not just when I forget to take my medications.  I never seem to know whether I'll be sharing a home with Hyde or Jekyll.  Jekyll has been around today which is nice since it is our anniversary.  He bought me a massage table for my gift.  It will be nice to have that little thing that holds your head.  I'm assuming this means more massages for me, which is a nice gift too. 

However, I'm a big loser.  All I gave him was a card.  I never know when I'm going to be lambasted for spending money.  I don't know if I hurt his feelings because I didn't buy him some new rifle or shotgun or some such or if he's really fine with it.  Unbalanced you know.

Also, he asked me to be sure and call as I was leaving work heading home.  So, I did.  Well, I texted because I have sort of gotten to where I do not like to talk on the phone for any reason.  You know how you have these jobs at work that you put off and put off because you hate to do them?  For a lot of people, it is filing.  Well, mine is returning phone calls.  Hate it, but I digress. When I got home he had fried potatoes and onions for me.  Now this may not seem like much but it meant a lot.  I love fried potatoes for one thing but I hate frying things to the point I don't do it at all. 

What will tomorrow this evening bring?  (Tomorrow is too far in the future for any mood predictions.)

I think I can, I think I can

Be positive that is. I decided a few days ago to write down a few positive things about Hyde so that you all don't think I just married the first guy who asked.

1) Bible knowledge (I pray wisdom comes soon.)
2) How he is with ShortStuff 98% of the time.
3) He doesn't get embarrassed to run to the store and buy girly stuff. (Think feminine products. Oh and this perfect shade of turquoise nail polish once.)
4) He does all of our laundry. Okay, he may not put it away and yes, I have to sacrifice a white article of clothing every few months, but I've decided it is worth it.
5) He changes the cat pans. This one ranks WAY up there.
6) Every few years, he really hits a home run on gift giving. Most recently - a painting by one of our zoo animals.
7) He can be really, really funny.

How do you explain to a two year old....

That you don't know why his daddy left without his kisses.
That you don't know why his daddy left without his "I love yous".
That you don't know why his daddy left without his hugs.
That 2010 looks like it is going to be just the same as 2009.