Before anyone thinks that I'm trying to say I'm without fault, let me clear some things up. None of this is offered as an excuse for anything I've done that was sinful. There have been three main areas where I've been sinful. Each of these areas, I've repented and asked God and Hyde for forgiveness. I'm confident God has forgiven me. Does this mean I never slip up? No, but I quickly realize when it is happening now and act to correct it.
So, the three areas...Anger/lashing out, Respecting his Role as Leader, Keeping my Tongue under Control.
Anger: For the first five years of our 11 year marriage, I failed to keep my temper under control. I would curse and lash out physically when Hyde would refuse to talk to me or would put his hands over his ears and say things like "Blah, Blah, Blah" or "I can't hear you". Was he immature? Yes. However, that is no excuse for my behavior. It was sinful and I fully admit that. I would also threaten divorce. I never intended to follow through. Hyde called me on that fact one time about 6-7 years ago. He told me to either divorce him or stop bringing it up. I realized how childish and manipulative I was being by using this word. About 6 years ago, we began worshiping with a new congregation of Christians. For the first time in my life, I felt like I finally had found where I needed to be in my life, spiritually. (Is the congregation perfect? Of course not, it is made up of people. However, I have grown more spiritually than anywhere else. Is it just my age? Maybe? I really think this group has played a role.) I also decided it was time to go back on anti-depressants. This was also about the time that I finally found out what was causing some health issues and was able to resolve those issues. (I will discuss this in greater detail because it plays a huge role in our marriage.) All of those things resulted in being able to get my anger under control. At least with the cursing and the hitting. I bit one time too. There have only been one or two "slips" since this time and none of those have been within past four years.
Respect: A couple of months after we married, Hyde took a job with a tiny hometown newspaper. He would often be at work until 2 or 3 in the morning. I didn't like this and made it known. It was so early in our marriage and I hated being apart. (How I wish I still had those feelings.) I begged and eventually demanded that he quit this job. This was way out of line. I should have respected and trusted that he would do what was best for us as a family, even when I disagreed vehemently. He decided to go to law school later that year. I had already completed law school and passed the bar. When I was in law school, I cheated on my fiancee with my study partner. I feared Hyde would do the same to me. On my first business trip (ever!), I was in a strange city all alone and I couldn't reach Hyde. He called several hours later in a jolly mood and told me he had been out with his study group, which happened to consist entirely of women. I freaked and accused him of cheating on me. Afterward, I apologized and said there was no reason to believe he would do to me what I had done to my ex-fiancee. Shortly before finals, Hyde decided to quit law school. He says, even to this day, that I made him quit. (In reality, I begged him to at least stay through the end of the semester.) This was 1999 and I still hear about both of these things. There were plenty of other areas where I did not respect his decisions. One area was with regard to bankruptcy. Again, I'll discuss this in more detail in a minute. This respect thing is an area that I just don't know how to fix. With the previous issue, it was clearly apparent that I was no longer hitting or cussing. I struggle with how to show respect. He says stopping things is not enough. I need to show actual positive actions but won't give any suggestions. He tells me that I should just know how to show him respect. Where have all the older women gone?
Controlling Tongue - That is wrapped up in the two issues above. This is the area I struggle with the most even today. I realize I'm not alone in this but it is an area I pray about on a regular basis and strive to control.
So, I alluded to two other areas of life which commonly cause strife in a marriage...finances and sex.
Let's start with sex. (Um, discussing it, that is.) From the day we married, there has never really been a fiery passion. Things were just sort of there. Sex was painful for me and I think that played a huge part in why I was not all revved up like a newlywed should be. For five years, I went from OB/GYN, to PCP, to Psychiatrist, to Chiropractor, to seems like there were more people in there that I went to in order to find out what was causing the pain. Hyde took my lack of interest in sex as a rejection of him. No matter how many times I tried to explain that while I realized it affected him, it was not about him. He never did, and still doesn't believe me. As mentioned in an earlier post, he is still under the mindset that I would reject him today. I was desperate for an answer as to what was causing the pain. I dredged up an instance of abuse from my childhood, an instance of date rape from college and tried to work through those things with a psychiatrist. While it helped with some things in my mind, it didn't make the pain go away. Then, my PCP referred me to an allergist. (Not because of the painful sex thing but because I was always in there with sinus/allergy type issues.) I go through the testing and lo and behold I'm allergic to beef. Now, keep in mind, at this time I ate some form of beef at least 5 times a week and often more. I stopped eating beef and within just a week or two the pain vanished. However, the damage to our sexual relationship was done from his point of view. Any negative thing I ever said when I was going crazy with pain and frustration, I still hear about it. Since the physical issues were resolved, I've been the only one to initiate any type of intimacy. (Oh, this is probably way too much information, but even when I couldn't have sex sex, I was more than willing and offered repeatedly to, um, well, you know, do other things. I've never heard of a man who turned down, well, other stuff.) So, how do we go forward if one of us is living in the past? This question comes up in every area of our life.
Money issues. Ugggghhh. The night Hyde asked me to marry him, I told him he did not want to marry me. I listed all the reasons. I had a yucky past, I had had problems with sex being painful (yes, I know, I shouldn't have been having sex before marriage and I've repented of that as well), and I had a mountain of debt. As I said, I had already gone through law school and passed the bar when I met Hyde. I outlined all of the debt I had, credit card and student loans. He of course said he wanted to marry me anyway. I also brought up the issue that I had a higher education and would likely make more money than him. This had been an issue with my ex-fiancee. I was assured it would never be an issue.
Sidenote: I married Hyde 3 months and 4 days after I met him. I sometimes wonder if this marriage is my punishment for rushing into a life long commitment. I truly thought Hyde was the answer to my prayers. I had actually prayed that I would meet a man who was a gospel preacher so that I could make college students and other singles feel welcome in any congregation we ended up at.
So, here we are 11 years later and money is still a huge trigger for fights. Our views are vastly different. I think God is going to provide for us, we should help others as much as we can, and we should enjoy (within reason) the fruits of our labor. Yes, we have debt but we are not amassing more (transmission emergencies and tires aside). I've stopped shopping like crazy and charging stuff like I did early on in our marriage. I actually do without now. That was a hard lesson to learn. We've made huge dents in everything except our student loans. I feel we are so blessed. Financially, we never go without our needs being met and rarely have to do with out our wants. We are able to help out some friends of ours, both locally and overseas. How great is that? I am so thankful for the blessings we've been given. (Even if I do complain about my job and my student loans, I know that they are both blessings in their own way. Well, maybe not the loans, but the resulting education.)
Hyde's view is that we should have filed bankruptcy early on in our marriage. I had a major moral issue with this. I told him I just couldn't do it in good conscience. This is held over my head even today. We ended up going to a credit counseling agency. They actually caused us more harm than good. I'm told, still today, that we waited too long because I didn't trust him. I'm still not sure he has the best financial mind but I'm trying to trust him more. I even went along with his idea to cash all of our savings out and buy gold. I knew it was not going to work. Been there, seen that with my granddad. However, I told him to do what he thought best. We lost tons. He had no clue when to buy and when to sell back. Eventually my parents offered to put up collateral for us. Something my Grandpa (mom's dad) had done for my parents when they were early in their marriage and didn't own anything. My parents never made a single payment and we paid off a huge (seriously...HUGE, like over $40K Huge) debt in a relatively short time. Hyde holds this against me and my parents as well. So, where are we today (financially). We have one credit card with a very low balance and a personal loan from Discover. This loan covered paying off Hyde's car, the treadmill, the balance on a Discover card, and some other big item that has slipped my mind.
However, Hyde wants those debts gone. He just doesn't want to acknowledge they exist anymore. He says he can't handle it and that it is what put him in the hospital with chest pains. (If you read previous posts, you'll know that he blames TattooGate 2008 for that as well...and I remember now one other thing we paid off....Hyde's bill for his hospital visit.) What kind of world does one live in where they decide they don't want any more bills and somehow I'm supposed to just make that happen? Especially when that person will not get a full time job?
So, there is my litany of sins. I think I've covered all of them. I've repented so many times that I worry that it reveals a lack of faith on my part. It is not that I think God didn't forgive me the first time because I know I was sincere. It is just that my sin (any sin) is so ugly and there are consequences that don't go away and so I'm reminded and plead for forgiveness still. I've asked for forgiveness from God for every one of those sins and I know I'm forgiven by Him. I've asked my husband for forgiveness but he refuses. I know this puts his soul in danger. I've begged and tearfully pleaded that he think about this. I've mentioned that it would do him more good than me just in this life if he'd let go of the bitterness and hatred and forgive. He says that all I mean is that I want him to forget and act like all is fine. I mention 1 Cor. 13 and I'm called a hypocrite. I never thought marrying this man (and this family) would result in a refusal to discuss the Bible. (That is one of the things I told him about why I married him. I wanted a spiritual leader more than someone to provide for me financially. One that would lead me to Heaven. He of course has fixated on his interpretation that I don't need him.)
What now? How do I live like this? What is it teaching ShortStuff? How do I make sure I'm living righteously? I worry that my prayers must not be heard because I see no relief whatsoever. So, if my prayers are not being heard, there must be some sin preventing God from hearing them. So, I pray for my eyes to be opened to that sin and I'm not seeing anything. I have a lot of friends and family praying for me/us. I can't believe that all of their prayers are being hindered as well. I know that our time and His time are very different. I realize that part of this has to be Satan at work because I feel my faith weakening. It is not that I don't believe that God can and does answer prayers because I do believe that with all my heart. I just think I must be an unrepentant sinner whose prayer is not heard and I can't for the life of me figure out what I'm doing and that is what is weakening me. I have so many fears. I try to turn it all over to God and it works great and then BAM Hyde comes home. So, for any Christians who happen to read this, help me please. Pray that I will be shown my sins so that I can repent. Pray that Hyde will open his eyes and his heart. Pray that ShortStuff will come through this without scars. Pray for the older men and women who have failed to do their duty. Pray for the elders who do not know their flock well enough to even know our marriage is a disaster. Pray for our marriage and our souls.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Almost current...12/28-12/29
12/28: I've been sick ever since we returned from visiting my family in Missouri. I didn't go to church services on Sunday or work on Monday. Granted I had already taken Monday off, but even if I hadn't, I would not have been able to go to work. Yucky stomach bug! So, Hyde leaves to go to gym and then on to work. He calls around 5 and asks what I'm doing. I tell him that I'm playing with ShortStuff. He says I guess you will go to work tomorrow. I said I really didn't know, I've been sick several times today. Hyde says he's sure I'll go to work. He then starts talking about how the only place he needs to go is to divorce court. He mentions that he's in a job he hates because that is all I will allow him to do. I say fine, quit. I don't care. Get a real job, a full time job, that you love. That would be great. I've been asking you to do that for over a year. He then starts in on the credit card debt and how he can't stand it and has to be out from under it now. I remind him that we are not getting any new debt. (Well, other than the transmission.) He said that's not good enough if we still have to pay Discover each month. I said well get a full time job so we can pay our bills faster. Or actually let me know how much money you bring home every two weeks and/or deposit that into the account I pay bills out of. He says it doesn't matter how much we make, I will still put us into debt and then he hangs up.
Today 12:29 (doo doo dooooo...those are horns in case you couldn't tell): This morning he starts in on me again about feeding ShortStuff. I tell him, just like I did yesterday, that if we don't have any place to go, ShortStuff doesn't like eating immediately upon getting up. Hyde says from now on we feed ShortStuff immediately. I reminded him that he's not involved in the morning routine...or the night routine for that matter and it really isn't fair for him to decide to dictate what works for us. He then talks about how I'm constantly irritated by him. Um, what? Reflect much of yourself onto me?
Oh, and a priceless little tidbit. Hyde takes ShortStuff to storytime this morning. He's telling me about it right before he left for the gym and work. He says there was this grandparent looking couple there with 3 kids. The grandfather figure obviously didn't want to be there and was talking on his cell phone the entire storytime. Hyde asks if I can believe anyone could be that rude and clueless. Oh, um, yeah, I have some idea of how rude people can be. I really need a head banging on the keyboard emoticon about now.
Today 12:29 (doo doo dooooo...those are horns in case you couldn't tell): This morning he starts in on me again about feeding ShortStuff. I tell him, just like I did yesterday, that if we don't have any place to go, ShortStuff doesn't like eating immediately upon getting up. Hyde says from now on we feed ShortStuff immediately. I reminded him that he's not involved in the morning routine...or the night routine for that matter and it really isn't fair for him to decide to dictate what works for us. He then talks about how I'm constantly irritated by him. Um, what? Reflect much of yourself onto me?
Oh, and a priceless little tidbit. Hyde takes ShortStuff to storytime this morning. He's telling me about it right before he left for the gym and work. He says there was this grandparent looking couple there with 3 kids. The grandfather figure obviously didn't want to be there and was talking on his cell phone the entire storytime. Hyde asks if I can believe anyone could be that rude and clueless. Oh, um, yeah, I have some idea of how rude people can be. I really need a head banging on the keyboard emoticon about now.
This reveals a lot...12/24/2009
This has nothing to do with me specifically but I think it reveals a lot with regard to how this man I'm married to (for life) thinks.
I'm in bed and he walks in and says he's been in living room giggling fiendishly. (His words.) I ask what he's been reading. He tells me there are 3 college students that have been taken hostage in Iran (I think?) and that they are probably being tortured. I said, um, what's funny about that. He then says well they are these idealistic Berkeley students that think the US is a terrorist regime.
Okay, I get that neither one of us agree with the thoughts and ideas of these 3 students. However, they are human beings, created by God, and he's giggling over the fact that they are probably being raped and tortured beyond our imagination?
I'm in bed and he walks in and says he's been in living room giggling fiendishly. (His words.) I ask what he's been reading. He tells me there are 3 college students that have been taken hostage in Iran (I think?) and that they are probably being tortured. I said, um, what's funny about that. He then says well they are these idealistic Berkeley students that think the US is a terrorist regime.
Okay, I get that neither one of us agree with the thoughts and ideas of these 3 students. However, they are human beings, created by God, and he's giggling over the fact that they are probably being raped and tortured beyond our imagination?
December 1 - 16, 2009
12/4: So Hyde just stormed out of the house mad at me because he "allowed" me to go out shopping for needy kids with my friend, S. Even though this was planned earlier in the week and I had talked to him at 5 to make sure it was all was still ok, which it was. At 5, he asked how long I'd be out. I said probably about 2 hours or so. He called again at 6 & I asked if all was okay. He said it was. He called again at 7 & asked how much longer. I said about 1/2 hour. He hung up on me. I get home about 30 minutes later & at first he's fine. Then he starts slamming stuff around. I ask what I did this time since I double checked that all was okay. (Oh by the way, I was not spending our personal money. S's office and my office went in together & adopted a classroom. We were buying for 19 kids so it wasn't like we could just run in & get one gift. Hyde knew this too.) Hyde says I just run off whenever I want. I said how dare you pull that. You said, repeatedly, that it was okay. He said well he didn't have a choice because I would have gone anyway. The only thing he has to base that view on is previous times where he's told me it was fine to go and do something, so I went and then he got mad. So storms out and doesn't even tell ShortStuff bye. I'm so freaking sick of this. I can't keep doing this. What am I doing wrong?
He comes home around 11. Slams stuff around, then jabs me to wake me up. He is about an inch from my face. All crazy eyed too. He starts in on me that from now on if I want to do anything, I am to only do it on my employer's time and that I'm not allowed to ask to do anything. I quietly say that he gets a lot of my employer's time already & he says this is not a debate and is not up for discussion. I am not allowed to do anything.
12/13: I say I'm always exhausted by the time I get in car on Sunday mornings. He says he's in a foul mood. I ask why. He says because we are always running late. I said well if he would get up & not have to have someone tell him to get up at 40 years old. (I know, I know. That tongue of mine. I really am working on it.) He then says I always have to get last word. I don't respond. He is driving really fast so I say you know that clock is 5 minutes fast. He pretty much snarls he doesn't care. I say well that's a great attitude to go to services with & so he tells me to shut up.
That afternoon, I almost had ShortStuff asleep. Hyde came in & told me to get up and fix the computer because there were things he needed to do. This, of course, woke ShortStuff completely up. Hyde laid down next to ShortStuff & Hyde went to sleep. Hyde didn't bother getting up even though ShortStuff was coughing so much he needed his rescue inhaler. Hyde ended up sleeping about 2 hours. ShortStuff & me? No sleep at all. I'm still trying to figure out just what was so important for him to do. So I ask when he gets up & he snaps "just stuff". Then he finally says about that job. (A teaching job?) Then, he asks me to help him with the submission form but doesn't say thank you or anything. Guess I should be grateful that there were no tirades.
12/14 - Heading out the door to work & school & find a note written on the door to the garage. It was written in all caps and with a marker. It directed me to update the bank balance before I left.
12/15 - He called at 5:40 asking where I was. Told him I was by the garage about a 1/2 mile from our house. He says get home immediately. I'm freaked because I think something must be horribly wrong with ShortStuff. We had taken ShortStuff to the doctor earlier in the day. I walk in completely panicked. Hyde is on treadmill. He tells me that ShortStuff needs to go potty. I said don't ever do that again I was scared to death that something was wrong. He says or what? Then scoffs a couple of times. I'm still thanking God that ShortStuff is okay. Oh & Hyde got off of treadmill less than 5 minutes after I got home.
12/16 - No apology but today he cooks dinner. Is that his only way to apologize? We've been married almost 11 years and he's never apologized for anything. That's not hyperbole. He does not apologize for anything.
He comes home around 11. Slams stuff around, then jabs me to wake me up. He is about an inch from my face. All crazy eyed too. He starts in on me that from now on if I want to do anything, I am to only do it on my employer's time and that I'm not allowed to ask to do anything. I quietly say that he gets a lot of my employer's time already & he says this is not a debate and is not up for discussion. I am not allowed to do anything.
12/13: I say I'm always exhausted by the time I get in car on Sunday mornings. He says he's in a foul mood. I ask why. He says because we are always running late. I said well if he would get up & not have to have someone tell him to get up at 40 years old. (I know, I know. That tongue of mine. I really am working on it.) He then says I always have to get last word. I don't respond. He is driving really fast so I say you know that clock is 5 minutes fast. He pretty much snarls he doesn't care. I say well that's a great attitude to go to services with & so he tells me to shut up.
That afternoon, I almost had ShortStuff asleep. Hyde came in & told me to get up and fix the computer because there were things he needed to do. This, of course, woke ShortStuff completely up. Hyde laid down next to ShortStuff & Hyde went to sleep. Hyde didn't bother getting up even though ShortStuff was coughing so much he needed his rescue inhaler. Hyde ended up sleeping about 2 hours. ShortStuff & me? No sleep at all. I'm still trying to figure out just what was so important for him to do. So I ask when he gets up & he snaps "just stuff". Then he finally says about that job. (A teaching job?) Then, he asks me to help him with the submission form but doesn't say thank you or anything. Guess I should be grateful that there were no tirades.
12/14 - Heading out the door to work & school & find a note written on the door to the garage. It was written in all caps and with a marker. It directed me to update the bank balance before I left.
12/15 - He called at 5:40 asking where I was. Told him I was by the garage about a 1/2 mile from our house. He says get home immediately. I'm freaked because I think something must be horribly wrong with ShortStuff. We had taken ShortStuff to the doctor earlier in the day. I walk in completely panicked. Hyde is on treadmill. He tells me that ShortStuff needs to go potty. I said don't ever do that again I was scared to death that something was wrong. He says or what? Then scoffs a couple of times. I'm still thanking God that ShortStuff is okay. Oh & Hyde got off of treadmill less than 5 minutes after I got home.
12/16 - No apology but today he cooks dinner. Is that his only way to apologize? We've been married almost 11 years and he's never apologized for anything. That's not hyperbole. He does not apologize for anything.
One note from October 2009 (deleted rest by accident) and November 2009
10/02 - Hyde says he can't get ShortStuff ready in the mornings without my help. (I seem to have no trouble every other morning on my own. Hmmm.) I was sick and had to call in to work again. Could barely hold my head up. He threw a fit and said he was going to gym. I said fine but ShortStuff will have to stay home because I can't drive. He's been stomping around ever sense. He asked me what he was supposed to do. Take ShortStuff to school hungry or beat him until he ate. (First time he's ever even hinted at something like this.) He leaves with ShortStuff & his gym bag. I really hate how he treats me& he doesn't even acknowledge he's doing anything wrong.
He gets home at 11:30 & wakes me up by ripping pillow off my face. He wants to know why I put him down in front of ShortStuff. I said he threw a hissy fit as he was walking out. ShortStuff wasn't even in the room. I said I was sorry for whatever it was I had said that came across as a put down. He said he didn't care if I was sorry, he wanted to know why. I didn't say anything. He says if I can't control myself he would control me because he won't put up with that as it's not human. (Huh?)
11/01: ShortStuff & I won't be going to church. I woke up covered in sweat again & with a headache but was planning on going. I just hadn't gotten out of bed when Hyde thought I should. Hyde couldn't get ShortStuff to eat, so he screamed really loud at ShortStuff, making him cry. Then as I was walking in, he shoved him in my arms & said he was going to class & the two of us could rot in misery. I decided we would just stay out of his way. He then couldn't find his belt, screamed at the top of his lungs that he couldn't find belt and he needed it right now. I calmly told him he could treat me however but don't bring ShortStuff into it. He yelled shut up. Then he went on about how he could not get ShortStuff ready in mornings if I'm here, mocked my voice, even though I didn't say word, went off about how he didn't have a helper, how he had a career woman who only cared about herself & as he was picking up the newspaper he had left scattered all over the living room, said we lived in filth & then stormed out. Oh, and he later denies saying anything of the sort about us rotting in misery together.
11/17: Hyde runs for a while on our treadmill, muttering the entire time. He gets off the treadmill and says the only thing he can teach ShortStuff is how to be a good little housewife, how to cook, sweep & do laundry. I said oh you are also teaching him how to be hateful, unforgiving & ungrateful too. He said yep that's all part of the package. Then he said my definition of forgiveness was just forgetting everything I'd done but with me never making changes. I said he could change things & he said divorce is only option.Then he came back in and said nothing ever changed and that I was a liar every time I ever said I was sorry. He mocked me for a bit (he has a really bad habit of making fun of my voice and mocking things I've said over the past 11 years). He said I bit & hit to get my way. He told me not to go out of town & I did it anyway. I tried to ask him to stop but he said oh you want me to talk more because you never actually mean anything you say. He then mocks me some more. He said I would never have peace because I wouldn't let him be provider, that I was bitter because I couldn't stay home and he was bitter because he couldn't provide. He hangs this all on the fact that I once told him I didn't need a provider. (This is true in one sense because I did say that I didn't need him solely as a financial provider. I needed him as a leader but I could earn enough money on my own to take care of me.) I pointed out that he didn't know what he wanted to do. He said I never let him do what he wanted & he hated himself for not risking divorce by standing up years ago. Hyde goes on to tell me that now I will never have peace because that is what I chose.
11/21 - He says he doesn't know why he let me go to that movie. (New Moon with a friend from work, during work hours....well, I mean I took vacation time.) Really? That's how the leader of a home should act? "letting" their spouse do something that has no impact on them? And then holding it over their head later?
11/22 - I asked Hyde to stay home with ShortStuff and me because we are both sick. He started in about how I chose to go on my business trip even though he was sick & how he didn't miss any work. I said well maybe we feel differently since I've missed two days of work & you were able to go deer hunting while I was gone. He starts doing that thing with his fingers where he's playing the worlds smallest violin for me. I said you know it would be nice if you showed a little compassion & acted like an adult. So then he starts acting like he's playing a regular sized violin. I lost it & threw ShortStuff's bowl of food in the sink & stormed out. (Way wrong on my part!) I hate how Hyde is so horrible to me. I hate how he baits me. When I'm not sick, I can ignore him for the most part. Why does God let this go on? Am I really that horrible of a person that I deserve this? Please ask God to help me. God has turned his back on me & I don't know why. I can't live like this anymore.
He gets home at 11:30 & wakes me up by ripping pillow off my face. He wants to know why I put him down in front of ShortStuff. I said he threw a hissy fit as he was walking out. ShortStuff wasn't even in the room. I said I was sorry for whatever it was I had said that came across as a put down. He said he didn't care if I was sorry, he wanted to know why. I didn't say anything. He says if I can't control myself he would control me because he won't put up with that as it's not human. (Huh?)
11/01: ShortStuff & I won't be going to church. I woke up covered in sweat again & with a headache but was planning on going. I just hadn't gotten out of bed when Hyde thought I should. Hyde couldn't get ShortStuff to eat, so he screamed really loud at ShortStuff, making him cry. Then as I was walking in, he shoved him in my arms & said he was going to class & the two of us could rot in misery. I decided we would just stay out of his way. He then couldn't find his belt, screamed at the top of his lungs that he couldn't find belt and he needed it right now. I calmly told him he could treat me however but don't bring ShortStuff into it. He yelled shut up. Then he went on about how he could not get ShortStuff ready in mornings if I'm here, mocked my voice, even though I didn't say word, went off about how he didn't have a helper, how he had a career woman who only cared about herself & as he was picking up the newspaper he had left scattered all over the living room, said we lived in filth & then stormed out. Oh, and he later denies saying anything of the sort about us rotting in misery together.
11/17: Hyde runs for a while on our treadmill, muttering the entire time. He gets off the treadmill and says the only thing he can teach ShortStuff is how to be a good little housewife, how to cook, sweep & do laundry. I said oh you are also teaching him how to be hateful, unforgiving & ungrateful too. He said yep that's all part of the package. Then he said my definition of forgiveness was just forgetting everything I'd done but with me never making changes. I said he could change things & he said divorce is only option.Then he came back in and said nothing ever changed and that I was a liar every time I ever said I was sorry. He mocked me for a bit (he has a really bad habit of making fun of my voice and mocking things I've said over the past 11 years). He said I bit & hit to get my way. He told me not to go out of town & I did it anyway. I tried to ask him to stop but he said oh you want me to talk more because you never actually mean anything you say. He then mocks me some more. He said I would never have peace because I wouldn't let him be provider, that I was bitter because I couldn't stay home and he was bitter because he couldn't provide. He hangs this all on the fact that I once told him I didn't need a provider. (This is true in one sense because I did say that I didn't need him solely as a financial provider. I needed him as a leader but I could earn enough money on my own to take care of me.) I pointed out that he didn't know what he wanted to do. He said I never let him do what he wanted & he hated himself for not risking divorce by standing up years ago. Hyde goes on to tell me that now I will never have peace because that is what I chose.
11/21 - He says he doesn't know why he let me go to that movie. (New Moon with a friend from work, during work hours....well, I mean I took vacation time.) Really? That's how the leader of a home should act? "letting" their spouse do something that has no impact on them? And then holding it over their head later?
11/22 - I asked Hyde to stay home with ShortStuff and me because we are both sick. He started in about how I chose to go on my business trip even though he was sick & how he didn't miss any work. I said well maybe we feel differently since I've missed two days of work & you were able to go deer hunting while I was gone. He starts doing that thing with his fingers where he's playing the worlds smallest violin for me. I said you know it would be nice if you showed a little compassion & acted like an adult. So then he starts acting like he's playing a regular sized violin. I lost it & threw ShortStuff's bowl of food in the sink & stormed out. (Way wrong on my part!) I hate how Hyde is so horrible to me. I hate how he baits me. When I'm not sick, I can ignore him for the most part. Why does God let this go on? Am I really that horrible of a person that I deserve this? Please ask God to help me. God has turned his back on me & I don't know why. I can't live like this anymore.
September 2009
09/04 - Hyde calls me at work to tell me that I'm pathetic & immature & several other names I can't remember. He then calls at 11:30 and asks where I am. I tell him I'm out with some girls from the office and we just got to a restaurant downtown. (My friends can't stand him. One reason is because he is so rude at lunch. He interrupts conversations and then always wants to bring the topic back to whatever he wants to talk about regardless of what others are talking about.) Hyde says okay, he'll call later. We talk later in the day and he seems fine. However when I get home, he starts in about how petty, juvenile, disrespectful, etc. I am because I go to lunch with these folks. Then he tells me he's not going to work full time afterall because he finds it immoral to put ShortStuff in daycare all day.
2:00 a.m. "wake up call" to hear about my lack of exercise & how I had gotten his hopes up again all for a lie. I woke up later to find my tennis shoes on top of my glasses and phone on the bedside table.
09/09 - He calls me twice during lunch, and all is fine. Then he calls at 2:20 and asks what I'm doing. I tell him I'm preparing for talk. He asks when it is. I tell him I have to be across campus by 2:55. He then wants to know when things are going to change. I tell him I cannot talk about this now, because I'm at work. He says I never want to talk. I said I do not call him at work to ask when he's going to change the way he is treating me. I then ask him to show me same respect. He says fine & hangs up.
09/16 - Hyde starts in on me early today. As I left I told him I has presentations & meetings until early afternoon. It isn't even 9:00 a.m. and he's called twice and hung up on me once. I called him back and asked what was going on. He said you tell me. I said why are you doing this when you know I have a presentation at 9. He said "Who cares. I'm stuck in this marriage for life." At that point, I just hung up.
Hyde wakes me up at 1 a.m. to tell me I'm going to Hell for making him live celibate. I say he is making that choice because I have not turned him down once in the past several years. He never makes any attempts at intimacy. He then tells me it must be nice to just say something never happened and then go on. He also told me that I'm not doing anything in this marriage. Tells me several more times I'm going to Hell. He also says one of us is crazy because we have two very different views on our sex life. He says I'm not taking him to Hell with me & that if I believe Bible as I claim to I can read 1 Cor 7 & see why I'm going to Hell. He then says I turned him down last Saturday night when he was rubbing my feet. That I flipped out if he went above knee. (Not true. What he calls attempts were actually putting me in physical pain to where I was squirming & had bruises from his so-called foreplay.). He tells me I've literally rejected him over 1000 times. Again says I'm going to Hell & it is all on me. I ask about his obligations to me & he says all I want to do is talk about how he's a loser, a pervert, a dirty old man, etc. He tells me if I treated my job like my marriage I'd be fired in no time. I point out that I do neglect my job because of the constant phone calls & the demands that I leave early. I ask if he could give me 1/5 of the time he spends on his physical body. He refuses to acknowledge that he has any shortcomings at all. He says I'm to blame for everything. He says it has been over a year since we've had any physical contact. I remind him of a handful of times this year & he halfheartedly admits that what I said is true. He asks me just who it is I want a sex life with & that I better not say him because he will know I'm a liar. He says he is considering asking his PCP for the equivalent of chemical castration. He asked what I would do to share his life. I remind him that we've been cut out of his zoo activities because he makes plans without us. I ask about target shooting & he says I'm using ShortStuff as an excuse because this all started years ago. I said no I'm admitting that I've made mistakes & things need to change but the reality is that we do have ShortStuff now. I don't want to become a zoo docent and give up my Saturdays with ShortStuff. We talk about shooting & I say I'd go but also point out that he almost always invites someone else along. I also point out that he is unsafe and arrogant at the range, but that I'm still willing to go & the Gs have offered to watch ShortStuff. He accuses me of only wanting to sit on couch & watch tv. By the way, he is the one who turns tv on most of the time. Other than some sports, I barely watch tv & none when he is here. I stepped over a line because I said I've been begging for him to get a day job now that ShortStuff is older. However, now he says he thinks it is a moral issue to have ShortStuff in daycare. I told him I thought it sounded like an excuse not to work & he walked out. I cry out to God for help but he doesn't hear. God please open my eyes to whatever sin is preventing my prayers from being heard. Lord I beg of you. I cannot do this anymore.
09/21 - Transmission goes out on my car. Hyde threatens to commit suicide because we will have to put the repairs on credit. He blames me for all of our debt because I did not wanting to file bankruptcy years ago. He says he's run the numbers and we would have been free of even the student loans if had we filed & gotten rid of our credit card debt. (This is not true.) I asked him to live in reality because neither of us can change past. He then starts talking about how there is a hook in our anus (his words) & tearing us apart because we have to spend money no matter what. I ask him if he wants to go to just one car. He says there is no way we can make one car work. So I say then the reality is we either charge this or have a new car payment one. After he sleeps for 2 hours, I suggest that he talk to a counselor friend of ours because of his suicide threat. He says he doesn't need a counselor but a divorce attorney. He says he hates me & then later that he despises me. He brings up the fact that I asked for a tattoo in 2008. He refused to tell me then why he was against it. He would bring up a reason (medical, religious but without any supporting verse, and a few other reasons) and I'd rebut them with the actual facts. Silly me thought we were actually having an honest discussion regarding tattoos. He said I have no right to know his reasons. Then says my "browbeating" sent him to the hospital. He goes off about how I'm never wrong & how he's never right & why am I still talking. Then he started in on "The Love Dare" book & how I accused him of having all these addictions. (Again, not true. I hadn't mentioned the book in over a year.) He then tells me every time he reads about the brawling & contentious wife, he thinks of me. He then goes on to tell me that it is my fault he isn't a provider for this family. He blames me over & over for "breaking something" in him because I kept pushing until he told me his actual opinion re tattoos. Says he feels dirty for me "forcing" him to tell me he thought tattoos were trampy. Mind you once he said that it hasn't been mentioned by me again.
09/25 - 1:30 am. ShortStuff wakes up crying. I can tell it is one of those cries where he just needs some reassurance that we are still there. I had just gotten him settled down when Hyde shoves our bedroom door closed. I had to open it back up to get to bed and this wakes ShortStuff up. Again. I get him settled once again when Hyde shoves the door shut again which of course wakes ShortStuff up. I open the door & ask Hyde to please leave door open. Once again, I go back to settle ShortStuff who is waking up more and more each time. Hyde starts yelling for me to just bring the boy to bed. I quietly say he doesn't want to go to our bed. Hyde says he doesn't care what anyone wants & stomps into ShortStuff's room. Hyde starts telling ShortStuff that he's going to our bed which prompts ShortStuff to wail. I told Hyde to just go because ShortStuff only needed about five minutes to settle back down. He made a big show out of going to other bedroom.
09/27 - Hyde decides we are going to the pizza buffet place because that is where ShortStuff asked to go. After our Sunday afternoon naps, I turn on football to check scores. He walked into living room, told me to turn the tv off and that I was not allowed to watch tv until I got serious about exercise.
09/29 - At work, I go with a group of my co-workers to get our flu shots. Hyde called 4 times while we were getting our shots, texted twice and left a vm. So, I call him and he answers and hangs up. I then text him and say call when you can. He calls and the first thing out of his mouth was "so guess you are giving me the silent treatment now". I told him I was getting my flu shot and asked if he had to start in on me that way. He said yes he did. Then he says are you going to tell me what the teacher had to say over the phone or am I going to have to drive down there right now. I said please treat me with some respect and he says pick right now, over the phone or am I driving down there. So, I start telling him about conversation with ShortStuff's teacher. Hyde thinks it is just normal 2 year old behavior and wants me to get the Rosemond book back from some friends. (He was making fun of me at lunch for being concerned about ShortStuff's behavior.) I explain that this is not normal and that he really hurt one of the girls in his class. During the conversation, I did lose my temper and tell him part of the problem was probably because ShortStuff saw Hyde treating me like crap. We finished the conversation by talking about the therapy sessions and Hyde's insurance. Weird transition, huh?
2:00 a.m. "wake up call" to hear about my lack of exercise & how I had gotten his hopes up again all for a lie. I woke up later to find my tennis shoes on top of my glasses and phone on the bedside table.
09/09 - He calls me twice during lunch, and all is fine. Then he calls at 2:20 and asks what I'm doing. I tell him I'm preparing for talk. He asks when it is. I tell him I have to be across campus by 2:55. He then wants to know when things are going to change. I tell him I cannot talk about this now, because I'm at work. He says I never want to talk. I said I do not call him at work to ask when he's going to change the way he is treating me. I then ask him to show me same respect. He says fine & hangs up.
09/16 - Hyde starts in on me early today. As I left I told him I has presentations & meetings until early afternoon. It isn't even 9:00 a.m. and he's called twice and hung up on me once. I called him back and asked what was going on. He said you tell me. I said why are you doing this when you know I have a presentation at 9. He said "Who cares. I'm stuck in this marriage for life." At that point, I just hung up.
Hyde wakes me up at 1 a.m. to tell me I'm going to Hell for making him live celibate. I say he is making that choice because I have not turned him down once in the past several years. He never makes any attempts at intimacy. He then tells me it must be nice to just say something never happened and then go on. He also told me that I'm not doing anything in this marriage. Tells me several more times I'm going to Hell. He also says one of us is crazy because we have two very different views on our sex life. He says I'm not taking him to Hell with me & that if I believe Bible as I claim to I can read 1 Cor 7 & see why I'm going to Hell. He then says I turned him down last Saturday night when he was rubbing my feet. That I flipped out if he went above knee. (Not true. What he calls attempts were actually putting me in physical pain to where I was squirming & had bruises from his so-called foreplay.). He tells me I've literally rejected him over 1000 times. Again says I'm going to Hell & it is all on me. I ask about his obligations to me & he says all I want to do is talk about how he's a loser, a pervert, a dirty old man, etc. He tells me if I treated my job like my marriage I'd be fired in no time. I point out that I do neglect my job because of the constant phone calls & the demands that I leave early. I ask if he could give me 1/5 of the time he spends on his physical body. He refuses to acknowledge that he has any shortcomings at all. He says I'm to blame for everything. He says it has been over a year since we've had any physical contact. I remind him of a handful of times this year & he halfheartedly admits that what I said is true. He asks me just who it is I want a sex life with & that I better not say him because he will know I'm a liar. He says he is considering asking his PCP for the equivalent of chemical castration. He asked what I would do to share his life. I remind him that we've been cut out of his zoo activities because he makes plans without us. I ask about target shooting & he says I'm using ShortStuff as an excuse because this all started years ago. I said no I'm admitting that I've made mistakes & things need to change but the reality is that we do have ShortStuff now. I don't want to become a zoo docent and give up my Saturdays with ShortStuff. We talk about shooting & I say I'd go but also point out that he almost always invites someone else along. I also point out that he is unsafe and arrogant at the range, but that I'm still willing to go & the Gs have offered to watch ShortStuff. He accuses me of only wanting to sit on couch & watch tv. By the way, he is the one who turns tv on most of the time. Other than some sports, I barely watch tv & none when he is here. I stepped over a line because I said I've been begging for him to get a day job now that ShortStuff is older. However, now he says he thinks it is a moral issue to have ShortStuff in daycare. I told him I thought it sounded like an excuse not to work & he walked out. I cry out to God for help but he doesn't hear. God please open my eyes to whatever sin is preventing my prayers from being heard. Lord I beg of you. I cannot do this anymore.
09/21 - Transmission goes out on my car. Hyde threatens to commit suicide because we will have to put the repairs on credit. He blames me for all of our debt because I did not wanting to file bankruptcy years ago. He says he's run the numbers and we would have been free of even the student loans if had we filed & gotten rid of our credit card debt. (This is not true.) I asked him to live in reality because neither of us can change past. He then starts talking about how there is a hook in our anus (his words) & tearing us apart because we have to spend money no matter what. I ask him if he wants to go to just one car. He says there is no way we can make one car work. So I say then the reality is we either charge this or have a new car payment one. After he sleeps for 2 hours, I suggest that he talk to a counselor friend of ours because of his suicide threat. He says he doesn't need a counselor but a divorce attorney. He says he hates me & then later that he despises me. He brings up the fact that I asked for a tattoo in 2008. He refused to tell me then why he was against it. He would bring up a reason (medical, religious but without any supporting verse, and a few other reasons) and I'd rebut them with the actual facts. Silly me thought we were actually having an honest discussion regarding tattoos. He said I have no right to know his reasons. Then says my "browbeating" sent him to the hospital. He goes off about how I'm never wrong & how he's never right & why am I still talking. Then he started in on "The Love Dare" book & how I accused him of having all these addictions. (Again, not true. I hadn't mentioned the book in over a year.) He then tells me every time he reads about the brawling & contentious wife, he thinks of me. He then goes on to tell me that it is my fault he isn't a provider for this family. He blames me over & over for "breaking something" in him because I kept pushing until he told me his actual opinion re tattoos. Says he feels dirty for me "forcing" him to tell me he thought tattoos were trampy. Mind you once he said that it hasn't been mentioned by me again.
09/25 - 1:30 am. ShortStuff wakes up crying. I can tell it is one of those cries where he just needs some reassurance that we are still there. I had just gotten him settled down when Hyde shoves our bedroom door closed. I had to open it back up to get to bed and this wakes ShortStuff up. Again. I get him settled once again when Hyde shoves the door shut again which of course wakes ShortStuff up. I open the door & ask Hyde to please leave door open. Once again, I go back to settle ShortStuff who is waking up more and more each time. Hyde starts yelling for me to just bring the boy to bed. I quietly say he doesn't want to go to our bed. Hyde says he doesn't care what anyone wants & stomps into ShortStuff's room. Hyde starts telling ShortStuff that he's going to our bed which prompts ShortStuff to wail. I told Hyde to just go because ShortStuff only needed about five minutes to settle back down. He made a big show out of going to other bedroom.
09/27 - Hyde decides we are going to the pizza buffet place because that is where ShortStuff asked to go. After our Sunday afternoon naps, I turn on football to check scores. He walked into living room, told me to turn the tv off and that I was not allowed to watch tv until I got serious about exercise.
09/29 - At work, I go with a group of my co-workers to get our flu shots. Hyde called 4 times while we were getting our shots, texted twice and left a vm. So, I call him and he answers and hangs up. I then text him and say call when you can. He calls and the first thing out of his mouth was "so guess you are giving me the silent treatment now". I told him I was getting my flu shot and asked if he had to start in on me that way. He said yes he did. Then he says are you going to tell me what the teacher had to say over the phone or am I going to have to drive down there right now. I said please treat me with some respect and he says pick right now, over the phone or am I driving down there. So, I start telling him about conversation with ShortStuff's teacher. Hyde thinks it is just normal 2 year old behavior and wants me to get the Rosemond book back from some friends. (He was making fun of me at lunch for being concerned about ShortStuff's behavior.) I explain that this is not normal and that he really hurt one of the girls in his class. During the conversation, I did lose my temper and tell him part of the problem was probably because ShortStuff saw Hyde treating me like crap. We finished the conversation by talking about the therapy sessions and Hyde's insurance. Weird transition, huh?
August 2009
I didn't capture much in August. I think July wore me out. Plus there was some bonding later on during the month once his mother started attacking me (verbally that is).
08/01 - The 2 sets of parents leave. Hyde goes to bed in spare bedroom. I ask why, he says why not & turns over. When he wakes up I'm at computer paying bills, walks by & leaves w/o word. After ShortStuff's nap, we go to Wal-mart & are there a few hours. He never checks on us which is very rare. When we got home, he apparently had not been home long, since his car was still very warm. We didn't really talk rest of night, but he slept in our bed.
08/02: I'm sick but Hyde doesn't believe me. He walks by & says he wishes he had married someone who believes Bible. When I asked why he said I don't believe the Bible, he said I knew why. He also said that I mistreat him all the time. When I asked what I was doing to mistreat him, he said we had been over it 1400 times & he wasn't telling me again. He then suggested I open my Bible & read what a wife's duties were & how I was always wanting to study but never that. I said I had never once refused to study & he just changed subject. I asked why he was starting this now when I was sick & he said it was because he felt like it.
Later in the day, I hurt my back getting ShortStuff out of bath. Nothing bad, just one of those things were you turn wrong and you tweak your back. After a while, I went back to bed. Hyde came in to ask if I was getting back up. I said I didn't know because I really felt bad. He walked out then came back & said he felt bad, he needed to run & he was going to take a baseball bat & start smashing stuff. ShortStuff said "Daddy run?" Hyde replied that "Daddy isn't allowed to run". I got up & put ShortStuff to bed. I stayed up during most of his run but went to bed a little after ten. Hyde came in mad because he said he told me not to go to bed, two different times. I really didn't hear him. He then starts in on me about how he's never asked me to do anything immoral. He says we are going to read Dave Ramsey book again because obviously I didn't read it. Then says we took money from emergency fund so I could go to a concert. This is not true at all because I paid for concert 3 months ago.
08/03: Hyde tells me that I'm an invalid & can't take care if my family because I don't take care of myself. I lost it & screamed at him that he needed to stop worrying about me physically & start worrying about himself spiritually. (While what I said was true and needed to be said, my manner was not appropriate.) I then told him that maybe he should talk to his dad about the hell his grandmother put up with all those years with his beloved grandfather. I told him how I had told his mother everything, starting with all my flaws. He stared at me & then left without another word.
Sidebar: His mother and I had a long conversation where I did tell her everything that was going on. I was at my wit's end and took a chance. I thought I had made the right decision since face to face she was very supportive and worried about our marriage and our souls. She told me a lot of things about both sides of the family. Seemed like she needed to talk to someone as well. Of course, I was quickly proved oh so wrong. After she got back home, she wrote me 3 horribly nasty emails telling me of my need to repent and accusing me of all sorts of things that were blatantly wrong. Some of the stuff was due to things Hyde had told her that were wrong as well. I confronted him about those things and he said he misunderstood and ended up telling his mom to back off.
08/28 - Hyde calls me at work. (A very common occurrence.) Then he hangs up but calls back a few minutes later. He tells me he can't go on living with this debt. I asked what he was proposing. He said nothing because it was too late and that our marriage is a joke. He reminds him that I told him once, years ago, that I didn't marry him to provide for me & now he can't & it will be like this forever. It is too late for anything. I asked if he was leaving & he said he didn't know.
And as usual, he acts like nothing is wrong when I see him later.
And so ends August...or at least all that I captured of it.
08/01 - The 2 sets of parents leave. Hyde goes to bed in spare bedroom. I ask why, he says why not & turns over. When he wakes up I'm at computer paying bills, walks by & leaves w/o word. After ShortStuff's nap, we go to Wal-mart & are there a few hours. He never checks on us which is very rare. When we got home, he apparently had not been home long, since his car was still very warm. We didn't really talk rest of night, but he slept in our bed.
08/02: I'm sick but Hyde doesn't believe me. He walks by & says he wishes he had married someone who believes Bible. When I asked why he said I don't believe the Bible, he said I knew why. He also said that I mistreat him all the time. When I asked what I was doing to mistreat him, he said we had been over it 1400 times & he wasn't telling me again. He then suggested I open my Bible & read what a wife's duties were & how I was always wanting to study but never that. I said I had never once refused to study & he just changed subject. I asked why he was starting this now when I was sick & he said it was because he felt like it.
Later in the day, I hurt my back getting ShortStuff out of bath. Nothing bad, just one of those things were you turn wrong and you tweak your back. After a while, I went back to bed. Hyde came in to ask if I was getting back up. I said I didn't know because I really felt bad. He walked out then came back & said he felt bad, he needed to run & he was going to take a baseball bat & start smashing stuff. ShortStuff said "Daddy run?" Hyde replied that "Daddy isn't allowed to run". I got up & put ShortStuff to bed. I stayed up during most of his run but went to bed a little after ten. Hyde came in mad because he said he told me not to go to bed, two different times. I really didn't hear him. He then starts in on me about how he's never asked me to do anything immoral. He says we are going to read Dave Ramsey book again because obviously I didn't read it. Then says we took money from emergency fund so I could go to a concert. This is not true at all because I paid for concert 3 months ago.
08/03: Hyde tells me that I'm an invalid & can't take care if my family because I don't take care of myself. I lost it & screamed at him that he needed to stop worrying about me physically & start worrying about himself spiritually. (While what I said was true and needed to be said, my manner was not appropriate.) I then told him that maybe he should talk to his dad about the hell his grandmother put up with all those years with his beloved grandfather. I told him how I had told his mother everything, starting with all my flaws. He stared at me & then left without another word.
Sidebar: His mother and I had a long conversation where I did tell her everything that was going on. I was at my wit's end and took a chance. I thought I had made the right decision since face to face she was very supportive and worried about our marriage and our souls. She told me a lot of things about both sides of the family. Seemed like she needed to talk to someone as well. Of course, I was quickly proved oh so wrong. After she got back home, she wrote me 3 horribly nasty emails telling me of my need to repent and accusing me of all sorts of things that were blatantly wrong. Some of the stuff was due to things Hyde had told her that were wrong as well. I confronted him about those things and he said he misunderstood and ended up telling his mom to back off.
08/28 - Hyde calls me at work. (A very common occurrence.) Then he hangs up but calls back a few minutes later. He tells me he can't go on living with this debt. I asked what he was proposing. He said nothing because it was too late and that our marriage is a joke. He reminds him that I told him once, years ago, that I didn't marry him to provide for me & now he can't & it will be like this forever. It is too late for anything. I asked if he was leaving & he said he didn't know.
And as usual, he acts like nothing is wrong when I see him later.
And so ends August...or at least all that I captured of it.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
July 2009
Some time in late June, my husband (let's call him Hyde for now) and I met with a couple. While we talked and immediately afterwards, Hyde seemed positive and even told them that we definitely wanted to continue to talk with them as a couple. Then, a couple days passed and he began to grumble, call names, make wild accusations about what was suggested, etc. I think this was, due in part, to the fact that the husband suggested Hyde make a few changes to how he communicates with me.
Also random side note: About this time, he decides poptarts are evil & tells me that I'm not allowed to bring them into house & if I do he'll make sure it is last time. I'm not sure how to take that? Personal threat against me? The poptart industry?
July 5, 2009 - We spent July 4th in Missouri with my family. (This tends to trigger outbursts of ALL kinds.) In the car ride home, Hyde starts in on me regarding my uncle being a diabetic. He tells me that I will be just like him because I never take care of myself. I remind him I just had bloodwork & was close to having low blood sugar. I also pointed out that he had at least 6 rice krispie treats. He says, "Of course, you are going to turn it on me". Then he goes on to say "And we are at same exercise level right?" I try to ignore him but he keeps saying "Right? Right?" I finally say "Well a lot of good it does you. No one believes you exercise."
Confession: I completely admit this was wrong of me and I work constantly on control of my tongue.
He says all he wants is 3 things and that I refuse to do because I am "lord god Jen". He says he asked that we both keep track of our spending & I refused. I remind him that I kept a notebook of expenses in addition to the checkbook at his request. He says "So you say, I never saw it". I remind him that he tore pages out of it & asked what some of my abbreviations meant. I suggest we focus on spiritual rather than physical things especially since we have ShortStuff. He then asks just who would he study with since no one in our entire city believes the Bible but him. I ask him if he's listening to himself & nothing else is said.
July 07, 2009 - On the way home, I drove past our house to drop our water bill off two blocks away. From the time I passed the house until I got home, he called me three times telling me to stop what I was doing & come home immediately. I pull into the garage & I'm greeted with a tirade about how selfish I am, how he had to stop his workout because I scared ShortStuff to death & how I need to think about how my actions impact others. After slamming stuff around, he walked into living room & yells "Look at me". Before I can turn around he yells out my full name (first, middle, maiden and married) "Look at me right this minute". He then tells me that from now on I'm not allowed to go anywhere after work. I am to come straight home. And if I can't live by that he will get a career & I will stay home & if we can't pay bills that I ran up so be it. He then said if I was just inconsiderate that would be bad enough but that it is obvious I only love myself, no one else & never think about anyone else. ShortStuff asked what Hyde was doing & he replied that he was "laying down the law". Hyde asked if I even cared that I scared ShortStuff. When I said yes, he said I had a great way of showing it & that I would probably do it again tomorrow, just to prove he can't tell me what to do. He slammed a few more doors & then left.
July 16, 2009 - Around 2p.m., he calls and asks if I could stop & get milk on way home. I say sure. I leave work a little early and stop at the Walgreens that is on the way home. I'm there at 4:50 p.m. when he calls & asks where I am. I told him I had just gotten to Walgreens and give location. I am not home by the time he thinks I should be, so he calls & asks where I am. I tell him I'm by the motorcycle shop, which is about three miles from our house. He then asks where else I stopped. I told him nowhere, that the line at Walgreens was slow & traffic was bad as it usually is on a workday afternoon at 5:00. He says "I guess I will see you if you actually come home" and then hangs up on me.
So I get home & he is in back. He walks in & asks if I knew gas stations had milk. I said yes & asked if he knew the gas station, a block away from our house, had milk. (Again with my tongue.) He then tells me the real reason he is mad. He had to cut his run short because ShortStuff got scared since it was thundering. So then he starts in on me how he can't have lunch with me anymore because my friends don't like him. (We still go to lunch 2-3 times a week. I've just told him that he can't meet me when I'm going with my friends because they don't like him. One friend's husband has told her she can't be around him. He also has a lovely nickname for him.) Then he starts in about me wanting to go to my parents without him. And how I tell them all of these bad things he does. So that they can attack him. I said they talked to him once & it was years ago & they've never brought it up again. He then says his parents are coming & maybe we should tell them about how I won't let him get a job outside the home. I asked him what on earth he was talking about. He said something about how I got my way so I don't have to bring anything like that up again. I said if you are talking about law school, I begged you to stay in. So he calls me a liar & say that me hitting his head and accusing him of cheating made it obvious I didn't want him to stay. I said those things happened before I asked you to stay in school. I reminded him that I've begged for forgiveness & that this all happened in 1999. At some point, I told him he was crazy & his reality was not real. He said he was crazy for staying with me and leaves.
About 11:30pm, he got home from work & slammed bedroom door open. He tells me he is taking my car tomorrow & I can fix the wipers on his car, or not, he didn't care. I happen to be reading when he stormed in. This makes him mad so he starts in on me about how I always want to talk but only on my terms & how I am just sticking my nose in a book & ignoring him. He storms out again & wakes ShortStuff. I say thanks for waking ShortStuff & his response is "bite me". I get ShortStuff back to sleep & start back to bed. He tells me to get in here (living room) right now & sit down & listen.
I don't even know what all he went off on. At some point, we were discussing the view that providing for ones family is more than just bringing home biggest check. He says that's not true & I point out that lots of people have that view. He says well they are all wrong, including a friend of ours who had shared this view. He calls our friend the devil's catamite. (I had to look that up.) I point out that even his dad thinks we've made the best choice we could & how I don't think he'd say that if he thought Hyde wasn't providing for his family. He goes on tirade a bit longer. And I don't really say much so he gets mad that I'm just sitting there in stony silence. I finally say if I try to respond as you are bringing up issues, like normal people carry on a conversation, you scream at me because I never let you talk. If I don't say a word, you accuse me of sulking up & thinking I never do any wrong. He sort of waves his hand that I should go ahead & talk. I said that I had no idea what he was so scared about but that I saw all his flaws & wasn't leaving him. That he needed to find something in life to do that made him happy. (He later asked if I had any idea what he would be good at....Sadly, I don't. He's incredibly book smart but...). He admitted he feels like a failure everyday because he is a stay at home dad during the day and only works part time in the evenings. (Oh at some point, he said I loved credit cards more than ShortStuff because I was willing to put him in daycare.) I said he either needed to get full time job or accept where things are & quit blaming me.
At some point during all of this, he said he & ShortStuff were not going back to congregation where we attend and named another congregation he'd probably attend in another city and he didn't care where or if I went. (Sorry I'm so disjointed in story. It was very long night.) I mention for probably the 20th time that my parents do not hold anything against him & that they have helped us financially in the past because they were able to now, whereas they weren't when I was taking out all the student loans. I also said they weren't like his parents in that they weren't going to hold it over his head or tell people all over the world about it. He said he had to sacrifice his dreams & I never give up anything. I mentioned that my dad gave up his career dreams for me & that's what a leader does & they don't hold it over peoples heads either.
He mentions one day where I was so upset because of something some SAHMs had said or done and how I said I felt like a failure as mom. He said he feels like a failure everyday as head of household. I then asked him why he refused to acknowledge that. Our friend had asked him that very question & he said no not at all. Hyde said he interpreted our friend's question as does Hyde resent ShortStuff. I said no, he was asking if Hyde's ego could handle not working full time. We almost started fighting again & stopped. I went on to bed & then he got all of his pillows he had moved to the other bedroom & came back in our room & was all chatty. This morning when I left he was a bit grumpy. So who knows what day will hold.
July 21/22, 2009 - We had a pleasant evening laughing and talking until after one. I then went on to bed. At 2:30 I awake to see him standing over me. He starts in on me about how I want to go off on one of our mutual friends and how much of a hypocrite I am. How he can count the # of times I have hit him in face & it is way more than the # of times we've had sex. Tells me hypocrite doesn't even begin to cover what I am.
I asked that he stop bringing up the fact that I hit him since it has been years and I've asked for forgiveness. He says I'm self righteous and that I was making fun of a couple that we are friends with. We discussed the view one of our friends had regarding sex. I said that I thought that view was a bit off but that I blamed our parents partially. I specifically said I was lumping myself into that mix.
July 22, 2009 - Hyde calls me at work to tell me to either use treadmill or sell it, but that if my word was worth ANYTHING then I best start using it.
July 23/24, 2009 - At 3:00 am, Hyde comes in and throws the covers off of me. He tells me he can't sleep & I'm going to talk to him or he will make me. He calls me a liar because I haven't been using the treadmill. This goes on for an hour and half, rehashing past ten years. He calls me names, refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing over the years on his part or the fact that he won't forgive me. Then he goes to sleep and leaves me shell shocked and wide awake as usual.
July 31, 2009 - My parents come down for birthday weekend. His parents are in state for a while too. No real outburst of any kind while the four parents are in town. there was one minor spat while we were out shopping. Think that was my fault for assuming he was wanted to leave based on his fidgeting and following me around and calling to see where I was and what I was doing.
Also random side note: About this time, he decides poptarts are evil & tells me that I'm not allowed to bring them into house & if I do he'll make sure it is last time. I'm not sure how to take that? Personal threat against me? The poptart industry?
July 5, 2009 - We spent July 4th in Missouri with my family. (This tends to trigger outbursts of ALL kinds.) In the car ride home, Hyde starts in on me regarding my uncle being a diabetic. He tells me that I will be just like him because I never take care of myself. I remind him I just had bloodwork & was close to having low blood sugar. I also pointed out that he had at least 6 rice krispie treats. He says, "Of course, you are going to turn it on me". Then he goes on to say "And we are at same exercise level right?" I try to ignore him but he keeps saying "Right? Right?" I finally say "Well a lot of good it does you. No one believes you exercise."
Confession: I completely admit this was wrong of me and I work constantly on control of my tongue.
He says all he wants is 3 things and that I refuse to do because I am "lord god Jen". He says he asked that we both keep track of our spending & I refused. I remind him that I kept a notebook of expenses in addition to the checkbook at his request. He says "So you say, I never saw it". I remind him that he tore pages out of it & asked what some of my abbreviations meant. I suggest we focus on spiritual rather than physical things especially since we have ShortStuff. He then asks just who would he study with since no one in our entire city believes the Bible but him. I ask him if he's listening to himself & nothing else is said.
July 07, 2009 - On the way home, I drove past our house to drop our water bill off two blocks away. From the time I passed the house until I got home, he called me three times telling me to stop what I was doing & come home immediately. I pull into the garage & I'm greeted with a tirade about how selfish I am, how he had to stop his workout because I scared ShortStuff to death & how I need to think about how my actions impact others. After slamming stuff around, he walked into living room & yells "Look at me". Before I can turn around he yells out my full name (first, middle, maiden and married) "Look at me right this minute". He then tells me that from now on I'm not allowed to go anywhere after work. I am to come straight home. And if I can't live by that he will get a career & I will stay home & if we can't pay bills that I ran up so be it. He then said if I was just inconsiderate that would be bad enough but that it is obvious I only love myself, no one else & never think about anyone else. ShortStuff asked what Hyde was doing & he replied that he was "laying down the law". Hyde asked if I even cared that I scared ShortStuff. When I said yes, he said I had a great way of showing it & that I would probably do it again tomorrow, just to prove he can't tell me what to do. He slammed a few more doors & then left.
July 16, 2009 - Around 2p.m., he calls and asks if I could stop & get milk on way home. I say sure. I leave work a little early and stop at the Walgreens that is on the way home. I'm there at 4:50 p.m. when he calls & asks where I am. I told him I had just gotten to Walgreens and give location. I am not home by the time he thinks I should be, so he calls & asks where I am. I tell him I'm by the motorcycle shop, which is about three miles from our house. He then asks where else I stopped. I told him nowhere, that the line at Walgreens was slow & traffic was bad as it usually is on a workday afternoon at 5:00. He says "I guess I will see you if you actually come home" and then hangs up on me.
So I get home & he is in back. He walks in & asks if I knew gas stations had milk. I said yes & asked if he knew the gas station, a block away from our house, had milk. (Again with my tongue.) He then tells me the real reason he is mad. He had to cut his run short because ShortStuff got scared since it was thundering. So then he starts in on me how he can't have lunch with me anymore because my friends don't like him. (We still go to lunch 2-3 times a week. I've just told him that he can't meet me when I'm going with my friends because they don't like him. One friend's husband has told her she can't be around him. He also has a lovely nickname for him.) Then he starts in about me wanting to go to my parents without him. And how I tell them all of these bad things he does. So that they can attack him. I said they talked to him once & it was years ago & they've never brought it up again. He then says his parents are coming & maybe we should tell them about how I won't let him get a job outside the home. I asked him what on earth he was talking about. He said something about how I got my way so I don't have to bring anything like that up again. I said if you are talking about law school, I begged you to stay in. So he calls me a liar & say that me hitting his head and accusing him of cheating made it obvious I didn't want him to stay. I said those things happened before I asked you to stay in school. I reminded him that I've begged for forgiveness & that this all happened in 1999. At some point, I told him he was crazy & his reality was not real. He said he was crazy for staying with me and leaves.
About 11:30pm, he got home from work & slammed bedroom door open. He tells me he is taking my car tomorrow & I can fix the wipers on his car, or not, he didn't care. I happen to be reading when he stormed in. This makes him mad so he starts in on me about how I always want to talk but only on my terms & how I am just sticking my nose in a book & ignoring him. He storms out again & wakes ShortStuff. I say thanks for waking ShortStuff & his response is "bite me". I get ShortStuff back to sleep & start back to bed. He tells me to get in here (living room) right now & sit down & listen.
I don't even know what all he went off on. At some point, we were discussing the view that providing for ones family is more than just bringing home biggest check. He says that's not true & I point out that lots of people have that view. He says well they are all wrong, including a friend of ours who had shared this view. He calls our friend the devil's catamite. (I had to look that up.) I point out that even his dad thinks we've made the best choice we could & how I don't think he'd say that if he thought Hyde wasn't providing for his family. He goes on tirade a bit longer. And I don't really say much so he gets mad that I'm just sitting there in stony silence. I finally say if I try to respond as you are bringing up issues, like normal people carry on a conversation, you scream at me because I never let you talk. If I don't say a word, you accuse me of sulking up & thinking I never do any wrong. He sort of waves his hand that I should go ahead & talk. I said that I had no idea what he was so scared about but that I saw all his flaws & wasn't leaving him. That he needed to find something in life to do that made him happy. (He later asked if I had any idea what he would be good at....Sadly, I don't. He's incredibly book smart but...). He admitted he feels like a failure everyday because he is a stay at home dad during the day and only works part time in the evenings. (Oh at some point, he said I loved credit cards more than ShortStuff because I was willing to put him in daycare.) I said he either needed to get full time job or accept where things are & quit blaming me.
At some point during all of this, he said he & ShortStuff were not going back to congregation where we attend and named another congregation he'd probably attend in another city and he didn't care where or if I went. (Sorry I'm so disjointed in story. It was very long night.) I mention for probably the 20th time that my parents do not hold anything against him & that they have helped us financially in the past because they were able to now, whereas they weren't when I was taking out all the student loans. I also said they weren't like his parents in that they weren't going to hold it over his head or tell people all over the world about it. He said he had to sacrifice his dreams & I never give up anything. I mentioned that my dad gave up his career dreams for me & that's what a leader does & they don't hold it over peoples heads either.
He mentions one day where I was so upset because of something some SAHMs had said or done and how I said I felt like a failure as mom. He said he feels like a failure everyday as head of household. I then asked him why he refused to acknowledge that. Our friend had asked him that very question & he said no not at all. Hyde said he interpreted our friend's question as does Hyde resent ShortStuff. I said no, he was asking if Hyde's ego could handle not working full time. We almost started fighting again & stopped. I went on to bed & then he got all of his pillows he had moved to the other bedroom & came back in our room & was all chatty. This morning when I left he was a bit grumpy. So who knows what day will hold.
July 21/22, 2009 - We had a pleasant evening laughing and talking until after one. I then went on to bed. At 2:30 I awake to see him standing over me. He starts in on me about how I want to go off on one of our mutual friends and how much of a hypocrite I am. How he can count the # of times I have hit him in face & it is way more than the # of times we've had sex. Tells me hypocrite doesn't even begin to cover what I am.
I asked that he stop bringing up the fact that I hit him since it has been years and I've asked for forgiveness. He says I'm self righteous and that I was making fun of a couple that we are friends with. We discussed the view one of our friends had regarding sex. I said that I thought that view was a bit off but that I blamed our parents partially. I specifically said I was lumping myself into that mix.
July 22, 2009 - Hyde calls me at work to tell me to either use treadmill or sell it, but that if my word was worth ANYTHING then I best start using it.
July 23/24, 2009 - At 3:00 am, Hyde comes in and throws the covers off of me. He tells me he can't sleep & I'm going to talk to him or he will make me. He calls me a liar because I haven't been using the treadmill. This goes on for an hour and half, rehashing past ten years. He calls me names, refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing over the years on his part or the fact that he won't forgive me. Then he goes to sleep and leaves me shell shocked and wide awake as usual.
July 31, 2009 - My parents come down for birthday weekend. His parents are in state for a while too. No real outburst of any kind while the four parents are in town. there was one minor spat while we were out shopping. Think that was my fault for assuming he was wanted to leave based on his fidgeting and following me around and calling to see where I was and what I was doing.
Journaling on an iPhone
I started keeping a log on my iPhone of the craziness in my home in July 2009. Scattered throughout the house are different journals (old-fashioned pen & paper) where I'd write about the stuff for a month and then give up. I always have my phone with me and it became a more consistent place to record life. I decided to start this blog to have another source and to hopefully work (type?) through some things from my head, heart, (yes, I was in 4-H as a matter of fact). So, the next few posts are going to go back to the months of July - December 16th, 2009. Then, I'll start blogging real time stuff. Good and bad and mundane and not just about this thing I have that some call a marriage, other stuff too.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A place to vent
I used to vent to my friends on Facebook. The feedback I received was very helpful, both to maintain my sanity and remind me of who I am. Who am I? Well, I'm a child of God who is struggling mightily. My next posts will be some snippets of the craziness that is my life. No strike that, my marriage. One will soon understand the blog title "Random Acts of Insanity".
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