I have strep. Fairly common ailment and incredibly rare to have any long lasting effects. Several of our friends have recently had it. I hope & pray ShortStuff doesn't get it. But seems like there is a line between taking precautions such as not drinking after one another (something we did Monday evening before I knew) and an all out quarantine.
I've spent the past 25 minutes listening to ShortStuff cry for me. Begging me to come help him. Hyde decided he should stay in ShortStuff's room to ensure ShortStuff didn't sneak in to bed with me. It makes me even more miserable & sick than I already was knowing that we would both sleep better if ShortStuff could come in & sleep at my feet. (He refuses to lay with his head on same end as mine.)
Things I needed to hear tonight: I love you. Let me know if you need anything. (Altho to his credit earlier in night he ran to CFA for me & made some cookies. Hyde & ShortStuff ate more of the cookies than I did so not sure who that was really for.)
Anyway I needed some reassurance that he'd take care of me. Instead I got anger, silence &/or the following comments, accompanied intermittently with a 3 year olds screaming.
Don't touch mommy she'll give you sick.
Don't go in mommys room you'll get sick.
Get away from her. Don't hug your mommy.
Do you want him to get strep?
Did you use a fork to get the watermelon out?
Here use the hand sanitizer again before you touch ShortStuff.
Get away from her. NOW! (This one was at 1 am when a little boy just wanted his mommy.)
God please give that little boy a peaceful nights sleep.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Shred day 3 and a few days off
Day 3 was easier in some ways & more difficult in others. I wasn't as sore but I had very little stamina. I took Friday off at Hyde's suggestion & then we spent a big part of Saturday at the zoo. Hyde said he didn't think I should do the tape (um DVD...showing my age) more than 4 times a week max.
I guess I expect too much. Since this had been such a huge issue to Hyde (me exercising that is) I thought there might be some encouraging words every now & then. Instead I would get "why is your face red" or similar after exercising. Okay, so no encouragement but at least a litle reprieve from the grumbling & grousing surely? Of course not. One night, last Tuesday I think, he slept in the other room because he was mad about ShortStuff's inhalers. Hyde has never bothered to figure out which is the daily & which is the rescue. Thankfully we don't need to use the rescue one often, although Hyde wants to use it everytime ShortStuff coughs. ShortStuff was coughing a little bit & Hyde went into a panic. He kept asking me about where the inhaler was. Found out later he actually meant the breathing chamber. He didn't realize we use same chamber for both & got mad at me for not understanding what he meant instead of what he said.
Saturday night I had a terrible headache that gradually got worse through Sunday. I stayed home Sunday and Monday. Our A/C went out sometime on Sunday. Being sick is no fun, being sick in a house that is 80degrees plus is misery. Thankfully some friends let us stay at their house last night. ShortStuff and I stayed there anyway. Hyde stayed at home so he could meet repairman at 8.
I went to bed last night with a scratchy throat & woke up during night feeling like I had tried & failed miserably at sword swallowing. Took ShortStuff to school & then went to a walk in clinic to confirm what I had pretty much figured out. Yep. Strep.
One would think surely that would garner some kindness. One would think wrong in this household. Hyde is mad at me fornit going to doctor sooner & convinced I'm going to give ShortStuff strep or scarlet fever & his heart will be damaged for life. So he pretty much wants to quarantine me from ShortStuff. I'd scream if it didn't hurt so bloody much.
I guess I expect too much. Since this had been such a huge issue to Hyde (me exercising that is) I thought there might be some encouraging words every now & then. Instead I would get "why is your face red" or similar after exercising. Okay, so no encouragement but at least a litle reprieve from the grumbling & grousing surely? Of course not. One night, last Tuesday I think, he slept in the other room because he was mad about ShortStuff's inhalers. Hyde has never bothered to figure out which is the daily & which is the rescue. Thankfully we don't need to use the rescue one often, although Hyde wants to use it everytime ShortStuff coughs. ShortStuff was coughing a little bit & Hyde went into a panic. He kept asking me about where the inhaler was. Found out later he actually meant the breathing chamber. He didn't realize we use same chamber for both & got mad at me for not understanding what he meant instead of what he said.
Saturday night I had a terrible headache that gradually got worse through Sunday. I stayed home Sunday and Monday. Our A/C went out sometime on Sunday. Being sick is no fun, being sick in a house that is 80degrees plus is misery. Thankfully some friends let us stay at their house last night. ShortStuff and I stayed there anyway. Hyde stayed at home so he could meet repairman at 8.
I went to bed last night with a scratchy throat & woke up during night feeling like I had tried & failed miserably at sword swallowing. Took ShortStuff to school & then went to a walk in clinic to confirm what I had pretty much figured out. Yep. Strep.
One would think surely that would garner some kindness. One would think wrong in this household. Hyde is mad at me fornit going to doctor sooner & convinced I'm going to give ShortStuff strep or scarlet fever & his heart will be damaged for life. So he pretty much wants to quarantine me from ShortStuff. I'd scream if it didn't hurt so bloody much.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Shred Day 1 Observations
1. Jumping jacks used to be more fun.
2. That woman is kind of scary.
3. I'm pretty sure C-sections change something inside of you. Forever.
4. 20 minutes is much longer than I ever thought.
2. That woman is kind of scary.
3. I'm pretty sure C-sections change something inside of you. Forever.
4. 20 minutes is much longer than I ever thought.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Coming & Going
I think Hyde & Jekyll may have actually passed each other today the transformation was so quick. Tuesday usually has potential to be a late night at work for me. Tonight it really wasn't too bad & I got home about 15 minutes layer than normal. ShortStuff & Hyde were in driveway playing when I got home. We all just sat there and chatted for a bit.
I mentioned I had heard that a nearby pizza place was offering gluten free crusts now. Hyde suggested we go. What a nice surprise on a midweek night when he usually wants to go to gym immediately after I get home. The three of us go out & have an enjoyable dinner.
Afterwards we headed home to get ShortStuff ready for bed. I got him down fairly easily but was wiped out. Around 9:30 or so I said I thought I was going to go on to bed if he didn't mind. He said are you sure you don't want to watch Lost. I said I would probably regret it later but no, sleep wins tonight.
So sometime after I fall asleep he decides to take a shower & the dog decides she has to go out & ShortStuff briefly wakes up. Take care of the boy & the dog & get back in bed. Hyde has gotten dressed by now & comes in & the first thing he says to me is that he thinks we need to find somewhere else to attend church. He says he can't go anyplace where I continue to interrupt worship services to publicly berate him & that maybe he doesn't need to even go at all but he definitely can't attend with me anymore.
Project much? I didn't say one word & he gathered up his pillows & went to sleep in other room.
I mentioned I had heard that a nearby pizza place was offering gluten free crusts now. Hyde suggested we go. What a nice surprise on a midweek night when he usually wants to go to gym immediately after I get home. The three of us go out & have an enjoyable dinner.
Afterwards we headed home to get ShortStuff ready for bed. I got him down fairly easily but was wiped out. Around 9:30 or so I said I thought I was going to go on to bed if he didn't mind. He said are you sure you don't want to watch Lost. I said I would probably regret it later but no, sleep wins tonight.
So sometime after I fall asleep he decides to take a shower & the dog decides she has to go out & ShortStuff briefly wakes up. Take care of the boy & the dog & get back in bed. Hyde has gotten dressed by now & comes in & the first thing he says to me is that he thinks we need to find somewhere else to attend church. He says he can't go anyplace where I continue to interrupt worship services to publicly berate him & that maybe he doesn't need to even go at all but he definitely can't attend with me anymore.
Project much? I didn't say one word & he gathered up his pillows & went to sleep in other room.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day Memories
The Good: A lovely card from ShortStuff and a little plant. I have no idea what it is but the planter is very cute. Then, all day Sunday, he gave me kisses and hugs and told everyone it was his momma's Mother's Day too. Oh and ShortStuff's declaration that macaroni looks like little rainbows.
The Bad: Sunday evening at worship services, ShortStuff had to go potty. We came out when the Lord's Supper was being offered. We stayed at back for first part of it, but the ShortStuff ran to our pew in between the two parts. Hyde jerked ShortStuff into the pew and told me never to interrupt the Lord's Supper again. Shortly afterwards, when we were singing, I asked if he could have been any more hateful to me. (Yes, I should have kept my mouth shut.) He said if I didn't shut up right that moment he would walk out & leave me there without a car. I told him that he didn't even know what happened. Tears started rolling down my face and after a couple minutes ShortStuff noticed and asked what was wrong. This made Hyde even angrier.
Once we got home, he started in on me and said he was ashamed of me, that I didn't have good sense and that I was a disgrace. Hyde says I'm lying and that he didn't do anything until I said something about his being hateful. But I didn't say anything until after he growled at me to never interrupt again. Then, he started in on how I had to make a show out of things because I started "boohooing".
Later in the evening, he told me to get out of his way. It wasn't like I was standing in his way confronting him or anything. I was walking into the living room with dinner to sit down and eat with ShortStuff. ShortStuff asked what Hyde said. I said you'll have to ask your Daddy. Then ShortStuff said "He told you to get out of his way". Great example Hyde is setting, huh?
This morning, I was going to get a shower before ShortStuff got up. So, I said hey will you listen for ShortStuff. Hyde wouldn't acknowledge I was even speaking. I finally said hey stop acting like a jerk & let me know if you'll take care of our son. He finally said what do you want.
I'm at a loss. I feel like no one, not even God, cares. I know that's not true but I feel so helpless. I can't figure out why prayers are not being heard. There are lots of people praying on our behalf and we can't all be unrighteous. A friend reminded me that Hyde is a free moral agent and that He cannot make Hyde change. I know this from an intellectual standpoint but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
Count it all joy. Count it all joy. If I repeat it enough, will it work?
The Bad: Sunday evening at worship services, ShortStuff had to go potty. We came out when the Lord's Supper was being offered. We stayed at back for first part of it, but the ShortStuff ran to our pew in between the two parts. Hyde jerked ShortStuff into the pew and told me never to interrupt the Lord's Supper again. Shortly afterwards, when we were singing, I asked if he could have been any more hateful to me. (Yes, I should have kept my mouth shut.) He said if I didn't shut up right that moment he would walk out & leave me there without a car. I told him that he didn't even know what happened. Tears started rolling down my face and after a couple minutes ShortStuff noticed and asked what was wrong. This made Hyde even angrier.
Once we got home, he started in on me and said he was ashamed of me, that I didn't have good sense and that I was a disgrace. Hyde says I'm lying and that he didn't do anything until I said something about his being hateful. But I didn't say anything until after he growled at me to never interrupt again. Then, he started in on how I had to make a show out of things because I started "boohooing".
Later in the evening, he told me to get out of his way. It wasn't like I was standing in his way confronting him or anything. I was walking into the living room with dinner to sit down and eat with ShortStuff. ShortStuff asked what Hyde said. I said you'll have to ask your Daddy. Then ShortStuff said "He told you to get out of his way". Great example Hyde is setting, huh?
This morning, I was going to get a shower before ShortStuff got up. So, I said hey will you listen for ShortStuff. Hyde wouldn't acknowledge I was even speaking. I finally said hey stop acting like a jerk & let me know if you'll take care of our son. He finally said what do you want.
I'm at a loss. I feel like no one, not even God, cares. I know that's not true but I feel so helpless. I can't figure out why prayers are not being heard. There are lots of people praying on our behalf and we can't all be unrighteous. A friend reminded me that Hyde is a free moral agent and that He cannot make Hyde change. I know this from an intellectual standpoint but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
Count it all joy. Count it all joy. If I repeat it enough, will it work?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Taking responsibility
Hyde has now decided that I'm to blame for all of ShortStuff's negative attitude towards him. I said you have to admit you have a part in all of this & that it could be impacting our son. He said from now on any time I suggest he plays a part in our marital problems he will no longer listen. Then he promptly picked up a book & turned away.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I tried
Dear Blogger - I tried to break things off with you. Really I did, but I just couldn't quit you.
As you have probably guessed, I was forbidden to blog ever again. I explained that I needed a place to vent and how once I got things on "paper" I could actually let go of them. They were truly forgotten. (Unless of course, I went back and re-read but I really try not to do that often. Too many typos and bad memories.)
Anyway, things have been exactly the same. The thing that stands out most since my last post would have to be forbidding me from going to one of the suburbs of the town we work in. A dear friend was in the ER in this suburb. After working things out with Hyde, I rode there with another friend. About an hour after we had been there, I sent a text to check on ShortStuff. I was told I needed to come home immediately. I stepped out of the ER and called. I was then forbidden from going to this town ever again.
Hyde and I talked later and he informed me that my friend (who ended up being admitted to the hospital) was destroying three families. Her own, mine and then my friend who drove. I do not understand him. He is so selfish, self absorbed and self-centered. In the past, he's forbidden me from teaching a Sunday school toddler class, teaching at a teen workshop weekend, and now from going to help a sister in need. I get forbidding me from getting a tattoo. I still want a tattoo and I hate the way he handled that whole ordeal, but okay, I can live with that. There is no command that I have to get a tattoo. There is a command to teach, to train the younger women, to bear one another's burdens.
Oh, yeah, one more thing stands out, Hyde also told me that he will not even try to meet my needs (try to live 1 Cor. 13) until I lose weight. He's not attracted to me at all and if I want changes in our relationship I need to lose weight. I asked if he would tell the elders that and he said no. He then went on his normal rant about how I'm a hypocrite and there is no way I've been forgiven for any of my sins since I haven't stuck to an exercise plan like he asked/demanded/required. I tried reasoning that 1 Cor. 13 is a command and my being a certain weight isn't. He of course went immediately to "submit in all things".
ShortStuff has been struggling a lot lately. He basically will not let Hyde have anything to do with him if I'm around or will be around soon. This has been going on for a while now, but then the other night, Hyde was getting ready to go to the gym. ShortStuff asked him to stay home with us and Hyde just said he'd see him later. Later I asked Hyde if he'd try to find a gym that was open later and closer so that we could spend some more time together but he's made no effort at that.
Something needs to change for ShortStuff and me. Hyde too but I have no control over him. Please keep us in your prayers.
As you have probably guessed, I was forbidden to blog ever again. I explained that I needed a place to vent and how once I got things on "paper" I could actually let go of them. They were truly forgotten. (Unless of course, I went back and re-read but I really try not to do that often. Too many typos and bad memories.)
Anyway, things have been exactly the same. The thing that stands out most since my last post would have to be forbidding me from going to one of the suburbs of the town we work in. A dear friend was in the ER in this suburb. After working things out with Hyde, I rode there with another friend. About an hour after we had been there, I sent a text to check on ShortStuff. I was told I needed to come home immediately. I stepped out of the ER and called. I was then forbidden from going to this town ever again.
Hyde and I talked later and he informed me that my friend (who ended up being admitted to the hospital) was destroying three families. Her own, mine and then my friend who drove. I do not understand him. He is so selfish, self absorbed and self-centered. In the past, he's forbidden me from teaching a Sunday school toddler class, teaching at a teen workshop weekend, and now from going to help a sister in need. I get forbidding me from getting a tattoo. I still want a tattoo and I hate the way he handled that whole ordeal, but okay, I can live with that. There is no command that I have to get a tattoo. There is a command to teach, to train the younger women, to bear one another's burdens.
Oh, yeah, one more thing stands out, Hyde also told me that he will not even try to meet my needs (try to live 1 Cor. 13) until I lose weight. He's not attracted to me at all and if I want changes in our relationship I need to lose weight. I asked if he would tell the elders that and he said no. He then went on his normal rant about how I'm a hypocrite and there is no way I've been forgiven for any of my sins since I haven't stuck to an exercise plan like he asked/demanded/required. I tried reasoning that 1 Cor. 13 is a command and my being a certain weight isn't. He of course went immediately to "submit in all things".
ShortStuff has been struggling a lot lately. He basically will not let Hyde have anything to do with him if I'm around or will be around soon. This has been going on for a while now, but then the other night, Hyde was getting ready to go to the gym. ShortStuff asked him to stay home with us and Hyde just said he'd see him later. Later I asked Hyde if he'd try to find a gym that was open later and closer so that we could spend some more time together but he's made no effort at that.
Something needs to change for ShortStuff and me. Hyde too but I have no control over him. Please keep us in your prayers.
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