I was expecting last night to be a rough one but thankfully it was not. The reason I thought it would be bad? Hyde took a bath around 11 and I went on to bed. When he opened the door I heard him say a curse word really loudly and then he came in our room. He slammed stuff around for a while and then he took his pillows to the other bedroom. Sometime during the night he came back in and tossed and sighed and tried his best to get me to ask if he was okay. I did not rest well but at least I was not berated all night.

Take 457

I sort of feel like I'm in that movie "Groundhog Day". It seems like Hyde and I have the same conversation over and over. Last night, I was laying down next to ShortStuff and fell asleep. Hyde came in and asked me to get up and go with him to the living room. So, I did. He said he wasn't sure how much more of "this" he could take and he took his ring off and threw it at me. Sound familiar? He started in about how I had made no changes in our entire marriage, how I've kept him from having a career and how I never think I'm wrong at the time but then later I say sorry and think it should all be forgiven.

The career comment is especially interesting since earlier in the week I was joking about whether I should apply for my boss' job if he decided to go back into his previous line of work. Hyde asked if it would be a significant pay raise. I said that I'd hope so. He said oh then he could home-school ShortStuff and work on my next novel. I mentioned to him last night that I didn't think this was a good idea for several reasons. 1) Unless he was willing to take free-lance writing assignments, which he hasn't been willing to do, he would not be earning anything. 2) I'm just not sure he's disciplined enough to teach ShortStuff what he needs to know. 3) I can't handle being blamed for his lack of a career for the next 13 years.

The rant went on for quite a while. No new material. No need to re-hash it again on here since it has all been said before, repeatedly. I'm pretty sure I'm to blame for this one. No, I didn't ask for chocolate kisses this time. Right before we went to Bible study, I said I just didn't want to go. (I'm really struggling with depression and just don't like being around people right now. I went to the doctor today.) Hyde asked if he had done something. I said not today and sort of laughed. He asked what he'd done. I said well the idiot comment at 3:25 the other morning still kind of stings. He didn't say a word...until around 10:30. Oh, and as always, after he spews out all sorts of venom, he feels better and goes to sleep. I'm left to sit in shock and figure out whether I'm worth the air I breathe.

I realize love is about sacrifice. How much is too much?

So it is 3:25 in the morning and I was just called an idiot. Nice start to the week, huh?

Note to Self

Self - When blogging from your phone, do not use double-returns as that will create a new post for every new paragraph. Ooops.

An apology!

For the first time ever in our eleven years of marriage, Hyde apologized. This happened last night, before the wonderful sermon we heard today on relationships.(Hyde slept through part of it sadly. Even with the positives going on, that still bugs me but on a completely different level. I worry what it teaches ShortStuff but more importantly about how it appears to God. I have to leave that to God though. Obviously.)

By the way, if that preacher ever reads this, THANK YOU for a great message from God's word. It was very encouraging not only in regards to the husband-wife relationship but to how we should treat everyone. (Well not the part about, ahem, private time together. That would lead to a whole nother sermon.)

And it was unprompted by my saying something subtle like “you owe me an apology” or my stomping out all mad or upset!

We had been talking about buying a computer off and on for a while. I was online looking at Dells and was asking him questions every now and then. At one point he said something like I need to do some reading and can’t concentrate with you talking. I said okay and a few minutes later decided to take a bath.

When I came out he said hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap at you. You can do lots of things at once and still concentrate on what you are reading but I can’t.

I was flabbergasted. I mean this coming from someone who has never offered a sincere apology even though he's spit on me, dented my car by kicking it out of anger at me, punched so many holes, destroyed so many of my things, called me every possible name imaginable and then some and well I could go on but you get the point. Wow! That’s all I can say.

I'm not sure if I'm mad, disappointed or what. Hyde just used a very derogatory phrase to describe some Muslims in front of ShortStuff. While I do not agree with those beliefs or the actions of many of its followers, I don't see how a professed Christian can use racial slurs. Yes, the events at Ft. Jackson & Ft. Hood are incredibly scary but we are all God's creation. I asked him not to use phrases like that & he sat & made faces but said nothing else. For now that is.

The past few days

Since my last post, there has been only one bout of middle of the night insanity. This was on the 14th/15th. I think I actually learned something from it though. Never ask Hyde to bring home anything that might remotely be considered junk food. He was stopping to get some diapers at the store and I mistakenly asked if he'd pick up a bag of Hershey's kisses. Felt like I deserved some chocolate since I didn't get anything other than a card for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I'll admit it, THAT hurt my feelings big time. I didn't say anything though.

So, I'm in the bathtub when he brings the kisses home and I see him stomp by and I said "Hi" and he growled. (And he wonders why ShortStuff growls all the time?) Anyway, nothing much else is said until about 4 a.m. I had let our dog out and was coming back to bed when he started in on me. He said he hated that I didn't eat right no matter how many years he'd "been on me about it". Seriously? That's what he thinks his role is to be as a husband? Someone who needs to hound me to fit his dietary mold? For example, tonight I mentioned how I really think gluten might be the cause of my headaches. I've been trying to do a gluten free diet for the past couple of weeks. Not hard core yet though because I've made birthday party exceptions. Anyway, banana pudding is one of my weaknesses and that was the featured dessert at a lunch meeting today. I caved. It was wonderful. Two and a half hours later...pounding headache. 12 hours since lunch and I still have it. So, I share this story with Hyde tonight just to share that hey after 25 years of headaches, maybe I've finally found a trigger. He asks if he should "make" me avoid gluten. I politely decline.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...So, the 4:00 conversation included many things about how I didn't think about anyone else and never took care of myself. I mentioned that I was eating a ton more vegetables and fruit b/c of this gluten free experiment. I wanted to say something like hey buddy since I didn't get a gift for Valentine's day you're lucky a bag of kisses is all I asked for...however, on to the lessons learned. I need to just buy my own junk food. Okay, if that is what can be done to keep him from freaking out, I should be able to manage that. I don't think I should have to but whatever.

Overall, things have still been enjoyable. We had a night out, just the two of us, last night. There were a few minor annoyances but overall it was a lot of fun. I was telling a friend the other day that it is so weird to be "complaining" about somewhat normal husband-wife things. And really complaining isn't quite the right word. It is such a relief that the worst things between us have been finding blueberries smudged on the microwave door, coffee grounds on the floor close to the trash can and a mound of cinnamon just left on the stove. OH, and cabinet doors being left open. That drives me, and ShortStuff, nuts. These things are honestly just like blips and in a bizarre way positive things. It is the first time I've really had enough peace from the normal Hyde shenanigans to even notice some of that stuff. And even better....I kept my mouth shut. Didn't mention any of the nastiness in the kitchen. Didn't mention my hurt feelings over Valentine's Day.

I still feel like I walk on eggshells all the time. Hyde has this thing that when he is worked up he'll rub his hands on the back of his head all agitated-like. Every time he does that I literally flinch and draw up. And I try not to ask "what's wrong" each time even though I really want to know because when I ask, he gets irritated and says I'm hounding him or trying to find a fight. So, once again, I have to shove my need for reassurance and conversation aside.

I guess that my biggest fear in all of this is that I'll find someone who enjoys talking to me and might actually compliment me on something, anything at all. I feel very vulnerable right now. I am in a really low self-image stage. Like if someone asked me to draw a picture of myself it would be a big, hairy blob with yellow, crooked teeth and not a coherent thought in the little blob mind. That's how I see myself right now. I made a big effort to dress up for our night out on the town last night. ShortStuff noticed and told me I looked like a flower. That still makes me tear up thinking about how sweet it was and just how much I needed to hear something positive. Hyde's only acknowledgment of my efforts was that he guessed he'd need to park fairly close to the venue since I was wearing my high heeled boots.

We don't seem to know how to talk to each other. I've expressed my need to talk about deeper things than sports or politics. Like, oh say, the more children conversation? Or his future career path? Or options for ShortStuff's next school (hopefully at least a year off but still)? Hyde has decided it is fine for ShortStuff to sleep with us every night. I miss being able to scrunch up next to Hyde and fall asleep next to him. I love having ShortStuff there in some ways because he says the funniest things and is very sweet in the middle of the night. However, he needs to be back in his own bed.

Enough rambling.

Ok. Something is up with Hyde. He's calmish. I was really late getting in because I had to pick up some papers from our pediatrician. Traffic at 5:00 is always bad, especially in the area I had to go & even worse when there are still icy patches. Hyde was planning to go to the gym tonight since Bible classes were cancelled. He called twice while I was out & hung up on me the 2nd time as soon as I told him where I was. When I walked in, I could tell he was ticked. I asked him why he always gets mad when I get stuck in rush hour traffic. He sort of half glared at me & said he was going to get the mail. When he came in, he asked if it was too late to go to gym (it was 6:30 or so) and I said no. He was fine then. It was like he was exercising noticeable control. I pray this is the turning point & we can move forward & try to rebuild this marriage.

All is quiet on the western front. Trying everything to stay positive & hope a new leaf has been turned. Or is that page? Whatever it is, the past week or so since last post has been pleasantly mundane. Thank you for the past prayers & for continued prayers.