Nothing new

I haven't posted in several months because there's nothing to say. Nothing has changed. Well, that's not quite true. I've lost 30 pounds since the first of the year. If you've read some of the past posts, you might think this would make Hyde very happy. Of course, if you've read ALL of the past posts, you can probably guess the outcome. He hasn't said one word about it, no encouragement or compliments. Everything else is still my fault (his job situation; our finances; our marriage, etc.). He has absolutely no responsibility for any part of the problems in our marriage or his life really. There's really no one to talk to about any of this either. So, I've basically just shut up and shut down.

Welcome to the new year.

From your favorite "hate-filled, evil, satanic, devil-worshipping, slut-liar"...at least that's what my dear husband calls me for short.

I had a bad day at work and was fed up with Hyde turning lights out on me all the time. Tonight I snapped after he walked down hall, knowing I was behind him, and left me in the dark in 3 different rooms. Culmination of weeks asking him not to turn lights out on me all the time and very bad day at work. Shouldn't have yelled at him to stop turning the lights out but I did.

That lead to much grousing about how I was always yelling at him and it was no wonder he couldn't get close to me. How he had lived for 12 years with my short fuse and was sick of it. I apologized, asked that we stick to issue and not over generalize about 12 years worth of issues.

Made the apparent-now mistake of mentioning his lack of experience in relationships. Any little bad mood is suddenly a huge deal to him instead of a sign to either say wow bad day, leave me be for while or try being extraordinarily nice. Said I really hope he can see that I'm sorry, will work on biting my tongue more especially when I've had bad day and this isn't just about bad day but the turning off lights thing too. Oh and said I really hope we can be done with this issue now.

He yelled for a while about how I said everything was his fault. Still not sure what he twisted to get that. And he ranted about how I kept changing what I need. I said for 12 years I've mainly wanted honest conversation. No grudges, if there's an issue, we talk and move on. If there's a reason you want or don't want to do something then tell me honestly what's going on.

So then I say you know I'm not going to be a hypocrite. There is something that really hurt me and I've not said anything for a few weeks. I really wanted all of us to go on my last business trip and Hyde refused. At the time he mentioned the gun laws of CA, the TSA and Tarmac delays with flying, money and seems like a couple other issues. Basically would never discuss for any length of time just gave me a no.

I assumed it was primarily gun law related. So tonight I said I thought it did a real disservice to us, ShortStuff especially, that everything we did including where we go for vacation, hinged on whether he could bring a gun. He said "I can't fly. It would be worse with ShortStuff. Don't ask." I hate hearing someone say they "can't" do something without hearing the why of it. So I asked why can't you. He flipped.

Screamed he hated me over and over. Packed a bag. Stormed out. Called five minutes later screaming at me so loudly that I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. Picked up he was scared to fly and didn't want ShortStuff to see him that way. Or at least I thought that was what he said.

He came home a few minutes later. Screamed and yelled some more. Mainly yelling he hated me for asking why. Hated me for forcing him to admit he was scared. Hated me for emasculating him. I tried to explain that I needed to know why to things and that all he had to do was say I'm scared and don't want ShortStuff to see me scared. Then screamed that me saying that was all I needed to hear to drop the issue was the most hate filled thing I've ever said and called me the description I opened with above.

Really trying to look at ways that I can be refined and strengthened by this. Really trying. Not succeeding mind you but trying.

Any guesses as to how I was just awakened?

It was a new way at least. It is 12:17 a.m. and I was just dumped out of bed by Hyde lifting one side of the mattress and tossing me to floor. This was followed with slamming something into the wall. Then I heard how I was "Lord God Jen" had beat him for years, wouldn't let him do anything for a career, made him live celibate and did nothing at all for our marriage. I'm the worst mistake of his life and he rues it every day. I didn't say anything so he turned the light on, jerked my phone out of it's wall charger and threw it across the room. In an unpaid product endorsement, I swear (except I usually don't) that BelkinSpeck's snap tight covers are the best iPhone protectors ever. Wonder if I could get an endorsement deal? Hi, I live with a psycho and a 3 year old and my phone cover from Speck Belkin saves my phone each and every day.

Now back to our program...at this point I ask a) are you crazy? Get out of here. He then shoved me and said make me and b) are you drunk? The smell of wine was incredibly strong on his breath. He said he only had one glass "hours" ago. (I went to bed around 10:30.). He drinks a glass of wine a night for health reasons. In his defense he does have a family history of heart issues.

He then said the only reason he didn't divorce me now was because of ShortStuff (who thankfully slept through this one). He should have divorced me years ago and at least had a career in life. This from the man who has been unemployed for the past two months and isn't even getting calls. Partly the economy probably, part his insistence at not wanting to work in certain areas, at certain times, and possibly due to being a daytime SAHD for the early ShortStuff years.

I've tried to be completely honest with you dear blog reader(s?). He had asked if I was "feeling" anything at all. (Sexually that is.) This was Sunday night I think. In moment of pure insanity I decided to be completely honest and said I had not had any sex drive at all since the summer I was in NH. This was shared in an effort to share my frustrations with the situation and how I didn't know where to turn. I've been to therapists, general practitioners, psychiatrists, OB/GYNs, etc. No help anywhere. I asked for his help finding a DO in town. Said I felt like a total failure as not just a wife but a woman as well.

Exercise was a big focus as well. He said every doctor I've been to has told me to do moderate exercise and I refuse. I didn't even bother explaining that the only doctor who had ever mentioned it said to start with as little as 2 minutes a day and build up. I was told tonight that every problem in our marriage is me, I'm 100% at fault and he's going to make my life as miserable as his. Check that one off your to-do list Mr. Hyde.

Intolerance...we gots it

Spent the weekend with the in-laws. Once again very apparent why Hyde is the way he is. I'm not sure if his mother even realizes the hate she spews towards anyone she doesn't deem Christian.

I made the mistake of suggesting a family trip to the San Diego Zoo. I'm certain ShortStuff would love it and we have an opportunity to go with my flight paid and hotel paid for every night but one. However Hyde won't even consider it because he hates the state of California. I'm sure it has to do with the gun laws. So frustrating that our entire life revolves around his stupid obsession with firearms.

Speaking of intolerance, Hyde sees nothing wrong with burning a koran. Said only reason he's not burning one is he doesn't want to spend money on it. Nice way too teach others how to be Christ-like isn't it?

One month since my last post

It has been a peaceful month. Over the weekend we went to my parents. The first night we were there I woke up in the middle of the night to find Hyde punching the wall. When I asked what was going on, he said leave me alone. He's been getting crankier and crankier with both ShortStuff and me.

This morning he calls and is cracking jokes. Then, he calls me at lunch and asks what I'm doing. When I say eating he hangs up on me. No clue what is going on. He's still unemployed. In the past month, I've said a total of two things to him regarding his job search. One was do you think it would help if you updated your continuing education credits. The other thing was hey if you want to work evenings, it is not ideal but it is your call. That's it.

So should I call or not? That's the question. I'm pretty sure I'll end up calling and regretting it.

Ah my old friend...

Hyde showed up tonight. Well, to be precise, this morning (Saturday) at 2 a.m. I awoke to mumbling & asked if he was okay. He said no & I'm not sleeping in room with you, grabbed his stuff & went to sleep on floor in ShortStuff's room.

In possibly related, but who really knows, matters, Hyde's mother also arrived this evening.

RaNdOm

So this posting will pretty much be how my brain works on a day to day basis. This is also why I'll often say "Look a chicken" when I get completely sidetracked by shiny lights.

1. I saw a church sign a few weeks back that still angers me. It said "Be the kind of person God thinks you are." What does that even mean? As in God is fooled by something you are doing and doesn't know your heart? Seriously?

2. I'd really like a pair of Tom's shoes for my birthday.

3. Am I the only one who hears about a book when it is about to be made into a movie and wants to go buy the book but doesn't want the one with the movie cover? "Eat, Pray, Love" is the current example.

4. On a related note, I don't like to like things that are insanely popular. Charlaine Harris is losing some appeal now that everyone knows about her because of the True Blood tv show which I don't watch.

5. Why do people feel the need to say the "F" word so much?

6. Worried that I feel nothing physically for my husband (or any other person). I want to feel something. I want that burning desire again. Instead I have nothing. He's been nice for a bit and I really want to be doing more than going through the motions. I keep trying all the suggested things for "getting in the mood" but nothing works. Continuing to pray.

7. I got a new car the other day. 2010 Subaru Forrester. I've had it one month and we've put almost 2000 miles on it already. And that's with only one mini-trip on it.

8. I miss my Aztek.

9. I have some really good friends here. I miss two of my friends very much.

10. I start a new job next week. But it is kind of an old job. And my former boss may be applying for my current, soon to be old job. Weird, huh?

11. I had this dream the other night where I had the most amazing in-ground pool ever. It is rare for me to have a pleasant dream.

12. I stole ShortStuff's toy that we got from Chick-fil-A. It was a color your own cow. Seemed justified.

13. I'm amazed at how immodest little boys can be. If ShortStuff has to go potty, he'll just strip down, no matter where he is in the house. It could be the middle of the kitchen. During dinner.

14. Went to Taco Bell yesterday to get a sparkling limeade. The guy asked how I was. I said "Fine. You?" His reply still has me smiling a day later. "Girl, I know you are fine, how are you?" First compliment of any sort I've heard from someone of the opposite sex in literally years. Sad, huh?

15. I really like rainbows and hot air balloons.