And my sin this week is...

apparently blogging. Hyde came home from work after picking up ShortStuff. I was already home because I took a sick day, all still allergy related I think. Hyde walks in and says he's going to lie down. An hour later he gets up, asks if I'm still keeping a blog, I say yes & one of the last things I posted was about the flowers you gave me. He says must be nice to be able to say whatever you want & then walks out with gym bag in hand. Can't wait to see what the evening holds. And it is almost guaranteed that I will be in the middle of ShortStuff's bedtime routine when Hyde returns. Good times I tell ya good times in my future I'm sure.

Restful nights

I hear some people have them. After battling a horrible allergy attack that has lasted for ours, I went to bed when ShortStuff did. A couple of hours later I woke up sort of hungry. Grabbed a bite & headed back to bed but didn't immediately fall asleep. Hyde comes in & I can hear him muttering. I hear my name a few times & the words contentious & brawling. Mind you we barely talked at all today due to my coughing fits & the fact that Hyde actually mowed our yard. (This is huge.)

I do finally fall asleep only to have very realistic nightmares which caused me to take a huge gasp of air & that set the coughing off again. Found some expired Benadryl. Hoping it still has some kick left to it.

Finding joy in the little things

Hyde went to a country concert with me last week. While it wasn't his cup of tea, he did go & he didn't try to stop me from enjoying the evening.

He came home from the gym Monday night with a beautiful bouqet of roses.

I'm trying to dwell on these things.

Nice to see you too.

I left work early so I could stop by Whole Foods. Hyde called about 5:00 & I was almost there. He asked if I'd be there long. I said I shouldn't be. I was in WF less than 10 minutes, stopped & got Diet Coke & headed home. Around 5:40 I get another call from Hyde asking where I was. I told him where I was, which is about 5-10 minutes from our house. I asked if all was okay & he said it was just a bad afternoon with ShortStuff.

About 5:50, I walk in the house, bag of groceries in each hand, & I'm greeted with "I'm going to go 18 levels of crazy if I don't get to the gym right now." I said bye & he walked out. I hadn't even taken my shoes off before he was leaving.

So much for family time.

Give me strength

Hyde suggested Shortstuff take a late nap & I grab a quick shower. This is code for he wants to spend some alone time with me. I should be happy since it is the first hint at initiating anything physical in years. However it is so hard to be in the moment when just a few days ago he told me he couldn't be attracted to me until I exercised regularly. I feel like I'm just a warm body & nothing special.

American Idiot

That's what I am for holding out any hope just a few short minutes ago. Since we started Love & War, Hyde decided to bring up a book we had started a few years back called His Needs Her Needs. Hyde has always like this book because he could be completely honest, & not worry about hurting my feelings. (His words.) He said in order not to be tempted he needed me to take better care of myself physically. I mentioned that it wasn't like I sat on the couch each day eating bags of cheetos. He said it didn't matter, that he couldn't be attracted to me until I took better care of myself. I said I really thought I had married someone who would look at my heart & would love me for me & accept that my body looks different now that I've born his son. He said well he could say the same that I should love him for who he is & he shouldn't have to change to meet my needs then. I said but my needs are commands. I need you to love me & understand me. He said well I can just stop talking or lie to you or tell you the truth & the truth is I can't be attracted to you until you start taking care of yourself physically. At this point I had to call it a night.

Am I missing something here? Is this acceptable for a Christian man? Am I crazy to be hurt by this? Am I so vastly different in appearance from when we first met that I'm now repulsive? Is he holding me up against the women he sees at his beloved gym? Am I that fat & disgusting & ugly & unworthy of love & kindness?

Love & War

The newest relationship book I'm reading. No strike that, that we are reading. After coming home from the gym this evening around 9, Hyde started in on me about how I had scared this girl at Chick Fil A by saying "What?" to Hyde. This is the same girl that I chatted with the entire time we were in line. Hyde said he was terrified I was about to cause a scene. This from the man who has spit on me in the gym parking lot more than once.

Anyway back to tonight after more tears & name calling & who knows what else, Hyde agrees to read Love & War together. We read the first 40 pages or so. I pray it is the eye, no, heart opener we both need. I still covet your prayers, not just for me but for all those that are struggling mightily and/or grieving today especially.

It's been one week

We met with Elder B and his wife one week ago tonight. Both were very loving and humble. As expected Hyde suggested that I go first with our issues. (Am I the only one to interpret this as "hey they are her issues, let her go first"?) I told all of them that my biggest concerns were the fact that there is never any forgiveness and how things are communicated. I gave the example of the 2 a.m. wake-ups, the demands, that there were no loving words, no encouragement in any area. Elder B mentioned that we just need to keep moving forward and that it was encouraging that we were there together trying to do just that.

Sister B said it would be nice if we could just wipe the slate clean. Maybe even go on a short trip. She even offered to watch ShortStuff for us. I've been begging, pleading and praying to start over but Hyde always says that as long as I'm not exercising and as long as we have debt, we can't start over.

Diet and exercise came up. Shocking, I know. I explained how it made me feel that he commented on my need to exercise. Sister B suggested Hyde back off. She mentioned that when she left Elder B alone he began to exercise and watch what he ate on his own. Hyde said he could do that but asked that I keep a journal and give him status reports so he could keep track of how I'm doing. Sister B said that'd still be a lot of pressure on me. She went on to say how Elder B compliments her each day. Hyde talked about how it was about my health and fighting depression. I said that sounds good but if that is truly the reason then positive encouragement during waking hours would be a much better indicator that screaming tirades at 2 in the morning. I explained that this isn't good for my health, depression or our sex life.

Hyde then outlined what had set him off the Sunday before last. (The one where he drove to Missouri.) He said I had put him down in front of ShortStuff by saying Daddy was pretending to work. I acknowledged that I was wrong to do that both to the Bs, but also to Hyde for the 5th or 6th time. I said I was at my wit's end with ShortStuff that night and I was wrong to say it but even more so in front of ShortStuff.

Hyde explained to the Bs that he went to see my parents, my dad specifically, to see how I was raised in order to better understand me. He relayed that my dad had said they raised me to be independent. I said yes, they did raise me to be financially independent should I need to be, and that is why I've said several times that I didn't need financial support. That doesn't mean I don't want my husband to work just that should something happen to him (death, dismemberment, disability) I could financially provide for myself and ShortStuff. I mentioned that I didn't feel the command to husbands to provide for their wives was just about the biggest paycheck. Elder B said he agreed it was more than just a command to provide financially.

We pretty much wrapped up about this point. Hyde said he wanted to meet again if it was okay with me. (Again, am I reading too much into this? Doesn't this imply I'm the one with all the problems?) I said yes I definitely wanted to meet again. Hyde started to get up. I said wait there is something else. I mentioned the workshop that weekend and how Hyde had forbade me to work it. When Hyde realized what I was bringing up, he kept trying to hush me up. I went ahead and put it out in the open that he had forbade me from being involved and had asked that one of us tell the elders. He said he was mad at the time and lashed out and that of course I could work at the workshop that weekend.

Somewhere in this discussion I mentioned I was keeping a blog to try to help me sort through everything. That was all I said. Well in the car Hyde was acting all weird. I said so are you going to share what's on your mind. He said he was still trying to get his head around the idea that our information was in a blog for all the world to see. I tried to explain privacy settings and the like but he didn't get it really.

On Thursday morning, Hyde gets ready and walks out to his car to go to work. He immediately comes back in and walks up to my face and says I won't bring exercise up again but you need to know I will never be happy in this marriage until you exercise. It is your choice though and then walks back out. On Friday night we had a singing but Hyde did not feel like attending so ShortStuff and I attended on our own.

Saturday rolls around. I had to wake Hyde up to make it into town by 12:30. The session we were teaching was from 1 - 3. Around 2, I get a text that says "ShortStuff having mad fit. Having to listen to him repeat all the stuff you say about me to him and in front of him. Billion times worse than when you beat on me." I finished the class and headed home. I had texted to ask what exactly was ShortStuff saying but I didn't get a response. A friend mentioned how sad that Hyde couldn't put this stuff aside to even let me teach the word of God.

When I got home around 4, he was in bed but not asleep. I asked if he would get up and he did. So, then I asked for specifics again. He just said oh he's doing the usual thing where he says I don't want Daddy, I don't like Daddy, I want Mommy. Now I should point out he does the exact same thing to me if I'm trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. I said but what exactly is he doing that makes you think he's parroting me. No answer. Then he starts yelling that it is my fault that ShortStuff acts up and most of it is because I popped off about his writing (see above, previous post, etc.). I said again you are right I was wrong to pop off, and even more so to do it in front of ShortStuff. I then said don't you think you have a part in why ShortStuff might be acting up. Like the fact that he bites you whenever you yell at me. He said that I was just trying to shift the blame like always.

I sobbed for over twenty minutes trying to get him to admit that he was sinning in how he was treating me and that he had a role in all of this too. He refused to acknowledge he played any role. He then started asking just how I wanted to be treated. I said please don't call me names, please don't wake me up at night, please don't cuss, please. He finally says well I shouldn't have woken you up. I said you know we've all sinned. It does not make me think he is weak if he admits/confesses to me he's sinned. He said what is weak is not being able to provide for your family and that made him a (insert double expletive here). I said do not talk to me like that again.

He moves on to the exercise stuff. Same stuff as always. I'm a liar for not using treadmill. I asked him to call Elder B. He said no and that I wasn't going to either. Then he said fine call and why don't you call 911 too. He started in about hitting him in the past and how he was going to go forward and tell everyone he was a liar and that he'd never had a good marriage or a good wife and was abused. I begged him to drop that because it hasn't happened in years. I've come to realize he will always hold this over my head. I guess I deserve it.

I finally asked what is the priority, our spiritual life or my physical fitness. He said spiritual but that he shouldn't have to choose. I explained that I asked for priority not one to the exclusion of the other. His response was "Fine I'll be celibate." (Nope, I did not skip part of our conversation here. This is an example of how he thinks.)

Providing for the family came up next. I finally said look I don't define providing for me as earning the biggest check or even earning enough to where I never have to work outside the home, but if that is the way you define it then figure out a way to earn more money and stop blaming me and ShortStuff. So his response to that was that I chose work over him in the years before ShortStuff and that ShortStuff was a problem child because I didn't stay home with him.

We talked about some relationship issues and I asked why one thing bothered him. I asked that he not be embarrassed to tell me what the real reasoning was and mentioned something from his past thinking it might be related to the current topic. I've never seen him look at scary as at that moment. He literally hissed "do not ever bring that up again". I talked about how we all have past experiences that shape us and how I still struggle with feelings from when I was abused as a child. After an hour or so of talking, still no real recognition that he's done any wrong ever in our marriage, he says he needs a break and suggests we go get some ribs.

During the times Hyde and I are talking about day to day life, I had mentioned a job opening at work. I wanted to talk to him about the pros and cons of it. He just said it was my decision to make. So yesterday (Tuesday) I express interest in the job and quote my salary request. It would be a very significant raise. The person that is hiring this position said that sounds fair. (As an aside, that is probably not going to happen due to our HR department. Long story.) Tuesdays are my long day at work due to a meeting that starts at 2 and goes as long as it needs to. We wrapped up around 6 and then I ran over to the ER to try to see a friend but couldn't find her. So I headed on home.

Hyde packed for the gym and headed out shortly after I got home last night. I got ShortStuff to bed later on in the evening and then finally about 10:20 I decide to go to bed. Hyde was not home at this point. Just a few minutes later he came in and was all exasperated and asked when I went to bed. I said just a few minutes ago. I wasn't sure when you were coming home. He stormed out and got in his car and drove off. Less than ten minutes later he came back in and started slamming things around. He said he could not stand my hatred for him and that I was never to go to bed before he gets home ever again. He walks out for a minute or two and then comes back in with the thing that tells me I'm never going to have anything even close to peace in my home. Even if I start exercising several times a day, I don't think it will change.

Hyde tells me that he is tempted to sin every single day because I won't change. I asked exactly what he meant by that. He clarified that he was tempted to have an affair because I won't change. I said change what exactly? He said I should know. I said let me get this straight you are telling me that you are tempted to sin because I don't exercise? He said yes and that I'm choosing to damn him to Hell rather than exercise. I didn't know what to say to that. I'm still kind of in shock over it. I ended up getting on the treadmill at 11 last night and walking 6/10th of a mile. Sobbing hysterically the entire time. He went on to sleep. I was running in my pajamas, fuzzy socks and sneakers. The socks started rubbing a spot on my heel so I stopped fairly early.

So that catches us up. So if you are reading this, I guess I'd ask that you pray I'll have the motivation to exercise no matter what. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Maybe he's right. It is starting to seem like people either want me to shut up or leave him or are questioning the truthfulness of what I'm saying. Just to be clear...none of that is helpful.