The past few days

Since my last post, there has been only one bout of middle of the night insanity. This was on the 14th/15th. I think I actually learned something from it though. Never ask Hyde to bring home anything that might remotely be considered junk food. He was stopping to get some diapers at the store and I mistakenly asked if he'd pick up a bag of Hershey's kisses. Felt like I deserved some chocolate since I didn't get anything other than a card for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I'll admit it, THAT hurt my feelings big time. I didn't say anything though.

So, I'm in the bathtub when he brings the kisses home and I see him stomp by and I said "Hi" and he growled. (And he wonders why ShortStuff growls all the time?) Anyway, nothing much else is said until about 4 a.m. I had let our dog out and was coming back to bed when he started in on me. He said he hated that I didn't eat right no matter how many years he'd "been on me about it". Seriously? That's what he thinks his role is to be as a husband? Someone who needs to hound me to fit his dietary mold? For example, tonight I mentioned how I really think gluten might be the cause of my headaches. I've been trying to do a gluten free diet for the past couple of weeks. Not hard core yet though because I've made birthday party exceptions. Anyway, banana pudding is one of my weaknesses and that was the featured dessert at a lunch meeting today. I caved. It was wonderful. Two and a half hours later...pounding headache. 12 hours since lunch and I still have it. So, I share this story with Hyde tonight just to share that hey after 25 years of headaches, maybe I've finally found a trigger. He asks if he should "make" me avoid gluten. I politely decline.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...So, the 4:00 conversation included many things about how I didn't think about anyone else and never took care of myself. I mentioned that I was eating a ton more vegetables and fruit b/c of this gluten free experiment. I wanted to say something like hey buddy since I didn't get a gift for Valentine's day you're lucky a bag of kisses is all I asked for...however, on to the lessons learned. I need to just buy my own junk food. Okay, if that is what can be done to keep him from freaking out, I should be able to manage that. I don't think I should have to but whatever.

Overall, things have still been enjoyable. We had a night out, just the two of us, last night. There were a few minor annoyances but overall it was a lot of fun. I was telling a friend the other day that it is so weird to be "complaining" about somewhat normal husband-wife things. And really complaining isn't quite the right word. It is such a relief that the worst things between us have been finding blueberries smudged on the microwave door, coffee grounds on the floor close to the trash can and a mound of cinnamon just left on the stove. OH, and cabinet doors being left open. That drives me, and ShortStuff, nuts. These things are honestly just like blips and in a bizarre way positive things. It is the first time I've really had enough peace from the normal Hyde shenanigans to even notice some of that stuff. And even better....I kept my mouth shut. Didn't mention any of the nastiness in the kitchen. Didn't mention my hurt feelings over Valentine's Day.

I still feel like I walk on eggshells all the time. Hyde has this thing that when he is worked up he'll rub his hands on the back of his head all agitated-like. Every time he does that I literally flinch and draw up. And I try not to ask "what's wrong" each time even though I really want to know because when I ask, he gets irritated and says I'm hounding him or trying to find a fight. So, once again, I have to shove my need for reassurance and conversation aside.

I guess that my biggest fear in all of this is that I'll find someone who enjoys talking to me and might actually compliment me on something, anything at all. I feel very vulnerable right now. I am in a really low self-image stage. Like if someone asked me to draw a picture of myself it would be a big, hairy blob with yellow, crooked teeth and not a coherent thought in the little blob mind. That's how I see myself right now. I made a big effort to dress up for our night out on the town last night. ShortStuff noticed and told me I looked like a flower. That still makes me tear up thinking about how sweet it was and just how much I needed to hear something positive. Hyde's only acknowledgment of my efforts was that he guessed he'd need to park fairly close to the venue since I was wearing my high heeled boots.

We don't seem to know how to talk to each other. I've expressed my need to talk about deeper things than sports or politics. Like, oh say, the more children conversation? Or his future career path? Or options for ShortStuff's next school (hopefully at least a year off but still)? Hyde has decided it is fine for ShortStuff to sleep with us every night. I miss being able to scrunch up next to Hyde and fall asleep next to him. I love having ShortStuff there in some ways because he says the funniest things and is very sweet in the middle of the night. However, he needs to be back in his own bed.

Enough rambling.