July 2009

Some time in late June, my husband (let's call him Hyde for now) and I met with a couple. While we talked and immediately afterwards, Hyde seemed positive and even told them that we definitely wanted to continue to talk with them as a couple. Then, a couple days passed and he began to grumble, call names, make wild accusations about what was suggested, etc. I think this was, due in part, to the fact that the husband suggested Hyde make a few changes to how he communicates with me.

Also random side note: About this time, he decides poptarts are evil & tells me that I'm not allowed to bring them into house & if I do he'll make sure it is last time. I'm not sure how to take that? Personal threat against me? The poptart industry?

July 5, 2009 - We spent July 4th in Missouri with my family. (This tends to trigger outbursts of ALL kinds.) In the car ride home, Hyde starts in on me regarding my uncle being a diabetic. He tells me that I will be just like him because I never take care of myself. I remind him I just had bloodwork & was close to having low blood sugar. I also pointed out that he had at least 6 rice krispie treats. He says, "Of course, you are going to turn it on me". Then he goes on to say "And we are at same exercise level right?" I try to ignore him but he keeps saying "Right? Right?" I finally say "Well a lot of good it does you. No one believes you exercise."

Confession: I completely admit this was wrong of me and I work constantly on control of my tongue.

He says all he wants is 3 things and that I refuse to do because I am "lord god Jen". He says he asked that we both keep track of our spending & I refused. I remind him that I kept a notebook of expenses in addition to the checkbook at his request. He says "So you say, I never saw it". I remind him that he tore pages out of it & asked what some of my abbreviations meant. I suggest we focus on spiritual rather than physical things especially since we have ShortStuff. He then asks just who would he study with since no one in our entire city believes the Bible but him. I ask him if he's listening to himself & nothing else is said.

July 07, 2009 - On the way home, I drove past our house to drop our water bill off two blocks away. From the time I passed the house until I got home, he called me three times telling me to stop what I was doing & come home immediately. I pull into the garage & I'm greeted with a tirade about how selfish I am, how he had to stop his workout because I scared ShortStuff to death & how I need to think about how my actions impact others. After slamming stuff around, he walked into living room & yells "Look at me". Before I can turn around he yells out my full name (first, middle, maiden and married) "Look at me right this minute". He then tells me that from now on I'm not allowed to go anywhere after work. I am to come straight home. And if I can't live by that he will get a career & I will stay home & if we can't pay bills that I ran up so be it. He then said if I was just inconsiderate that would be bad enough but that it is obvious I only love myself, no one else & never think about anyone else. ShortStuff asked what Hyde was doing & he replied that he was "laying down the law". Hyde asked if I even cared that I scared ShortStuff. When I said yes, he said I had a great way of showing it & that I would probably do it again tomorrow, just to prove he can't tell me what to do. He slammed a few more doors & then left.

July 16, 2009 - Around 2p.m., he calls and asks if I could stop & get milk on way home. I say sure. I leave work a little early and stop at the Walgreens that is on the way home. I'm there at 4:50 p.m. when he calls & asks where I am. I told him I had just gotten to Walgreens and give location. I am not home by the time he thinks I should be, so he calls & asks where I am. I tell him I'm by the motorcycle shop, which is about three miles from our house. He then asks where else I stopped. I told him nowhere, that the line at Walgreens was slow & traffic was bad as it usually is on a workday afternoon at 5:00. He says "I guess I will see you if you actually come home" and then hangs up on me.

So I get home & he is in back. He walks in & asks if I knew gas stations had milk. I said yes & asked if he knew the gas station, a block away from our house, had milk. (Again with my tongue.) He then tells me the real reason he is mad. He had to cut his run short because ShortStuff got scared since it was thundering. So then he starts in on me how he can't have lunch with me anymore because my friends don't like him. (We still go to lunch 2-3 times a week. I've just told him that he can't meet me when I'm going with my friends because they don't like him. One friend's husband has told her she can't be around him. He also has a lovely nickname for him.) Then he starts in about me wanting to go to my parents without him. And how I tell them all of these bad things he does. So that they can attack him. I said they talked to him once & it was years ago & they've never brought it up again. He then says his parents are coming & maybe we should tell them about how I won't let him get a job outside the home. I asked him what on earth he was talking about. He said something about how I got my way so I don't have to bring anything like that up again. I said if you are talking about law school, I begged you to stay in. So he calls me a liar & say that me hitting his head and accusing him of cheating made it obvious I didn't want him to stay. I said those things happened before I asked you to stay in school. I reminded him that I've begged for forgiveness & that this all happened in 1999. At some point, I told him he was crazy & his reality was not real. He said he was crazy for staying with me and leaves.

About 11:30pm, he got home from work & slammed bedroom door open. He tells me he is taking my car tomorrow & I can fix the wipers on his car, or not, he didn't care. I happen to be reading when he stormed in. This makes him mad so he starts in on me about how I always want to talk but only on my terms & how I am just sticking my nose in a book & ignoring him. He storms out again & wakes ShortStuff. I say thanks for waking ShortStuff & his response is "bite me". I get ShortStuff back to sleep & start back to bed. He tells me to get in here (living room) right now & sit down & listen.

I don't even know what all he went off on. At some point, we were discussing the view that providing for ones family is more than just bringing home biggest check. He says that's not true & I point out that lots of people have that view. He says well they are all wrong, including a friend of ours who had shared this view. He calls our friend the devil's catamite. (I had to look that up.) I point out that even his dad thinks we've made the best choice we could & how I don't think he'd say that if he thought Hyde wasn't providing for his family. He goes on tirade a bit longer. And I don't really say much so he gets mad that I'm just sitting there in stony silence. I finally say if I try to respond as you are bringing up issues, like normal people carry on a conversation, you scream at me because I never let you talk. If I don't say a word, you accuse me of sulking up & thinking I never do any wrong. He sort of waves his hand that I should go ahead & talk. I said that I had no idea what he was so scared about but that I saw all his flaws & wasn't leaving him. That he needed to find something in life to do that made him happy. (He later asked if I had any idea what he would be good at....Sadly, I don't. He's incredibly book smart but...). He admitted he feels like a failure everyday because he is a stay at home dad during the day and only works part time in the evenings. (Oh at some point, he said I loved credit cards more than ShortStuff because I was willing to put him in daycare.) I said he either needed to get full time job or accept where things are & quit blaming me.

At some point during all of this, he said he & ShortStuff were not going back to congregation where we attend and named another congregation he'd probably attend in another city and he didn't care where or if I went. (Sorry I'm so disjointed in story. It was very long night.) I mention for probably the 20th time that my parents do not hold anything against him & that they have helped us financially in the past because they were able to now, whereas they weren't when I was taking out all the student loans. I also said they weren't like his parents in that they weren't going to hold it over his head or tell people all over the world about it. He said he had to sacrifice his dreams & I never give up anything. I mentioned that my dad gave up his career dreams for me & that's what a leader does & they don't hold it over peoples heads either.

He mentions one day where I was so upset because of something some SAHMs had said or done and how I said I felt like a failure as mom. He said he feels like a failure everyday as head of household. I then asked him why he refused to acknowledge that. Our friend had asked him that very question & he said no not at all. Hyde said he interpreted our friend's question as does Hyde resent ShortStuff. I said no, he was asking if Hyde's ego could handle not working full time. We almost started fighting again & stopped. I went on to bed & then he got all of his pillows he had moved to the other bedroom & came back in our room & was all chatty. This morning when I left he was a bit grumpy. So who knows what day will hold.

July 21/22, 2009 - We had a pleasant evening laughing and talking until after one. I then went on to bed. At 2:30 I awake to see him standing over me. He starts in on me about how I want to go off on one of our mutual friends and how much of a hypocrite I am. How he can count the # of times I have hit him in face & it is way more than the # of times we've had sex. Tells me hypocrite doesn't even begin to cover what I am.

I asked that he stop bringing up the fact that I hit him since it has been years and I've asked for forgiveness. He says I'm self righteous and that I was making fun of a couple that we are friends with. We discussed the view one of our friends had regarding sex. I said that I thought that view was a bit off but that I blamed our parents partially. I specifically said I was lumping myself into that mix.

July 22, 2009 - Hyde calls me at work to tell me to either use treadmill or sell it, but that if my word was worth ANYTHING then I best start using it.

July 23/24, 2009 - At 3:00 am, Hyde comes in and throws the covers off of me. He tells me he can't sleep & I'm going to talk to him or he will make me. He calls me a liar because I haven't been using the treadmill. This goes on for an hour and half, rehashing past ten years. He calls me names, refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing over the years on his part or the fact that he won't forgive me. Then he goes to sleep and leaves me shell shocked and wide awake as usual.

July 31, 2009 - My parents come down for birthday weekend. His parents are in state for a while too. No real outburst of any kind while the four parents are in town. there was one minor spat while we were out shopping. Think that was my fault for assuming he was wanted to leave based on his fidgeting and following me around and calling to see where I was and what I was doing.