10/02 - Hyde says he can't get ShortStuff ready in the mornings without my help. (I seem to have no trouble every other morning on my own. Hmmm.) I was sick and had to call in to work again. Could barely hold my head up. He threw a fit and said he was going to gym. I said fine but ShortStuff will have to stay home because I can't drive. He's been stomping around ever sense. He asked me what he was supposed to do. Take ShortStuff to school hungry or beat him until he ate. (First time he's ever even hinted at something like this.) He leaves with ShortStuff & his gym bag. I really hate how he treats me& he doesn't even acknowledge he's doing anything wrong.
He gets home at 11:30 & wakes me up by ripping pillow off my face. He wants to know why I put him down in front of ShortStuff. I said he threw a hissy fit as he was walking out. ShortStuff wasn't even in the room. I said I was sorry for whatever it was I had said that came across as a put down. He said he didn't care if I was sorry, he wanted to know why. I didn't say anything. He says if I can't control myself he would control me because he won't put up with that as it's not human. (Huh?)
11/01: ShortStuff & I won't be going to church. I woke up covered in sweat again & with a headache but was planning on going. I just hadn't gotten out of bed when Hyde thought I should. Hyde couldn't get ShortStuff to eat, so he screamed really loud at ShortStuff, making him cry. Then as I was walking in, he shoved him in my arms & said he was going to class & the two of us could rot in misery. I decided we would just stay out of his way. He then couldn't find his belt, screamed at the top of his lungs that he couldn't find belt and he needed it right now. I calmly told him he could treat me however but don't bring ShortStuff into it. He yelled shut up. Then he went on about how he could not get ShortStuff ready in mornings if I'm here, mocked my voice, even though I didn't say word, went off about how he didn't have a helper, how he had a career woman who only cared about herself & as he was picking up the newspaper he had left scattered all over the living room, said we lived in filth & then stormed out. Oh, and he later denies saying anything of the sort about us rotting in misery together.
11/17: Hyde runs for a while on our treadmill, muttering the entire time. He gets off the treadmill and says the only thing he can teach ShortStuff is how to be a good little housewife, how to cook, sweep & do laundry. I said oh you are also teaching him how to be hateful, unforgiving & ungrateful too. He said yep that's all part of the package. Then he said my definition of forgiveness was just forgetting everything I'd done but with me never making changes. I said he could change things & he said divorce is only option.Then he came back in and said nothing ever changed and that I was a liar every time I ever said I was sorry. He mocked me for a bit (he has a really bad habit of making fun of my voice and mocking things I've said over the past 11 years). He said I bit & hit to get my way. He told me not to go out of town & I did it anyway. I tried to ask him to stop but he said oh you want me to talk more because you never actually mean anything you say. He then mocks me some more. He said I would never have peace because I wouldn't let him be provider, that I was bitter because I couldn't stay home and he was bitter because he couldn't provide. He hangs this all on the fact that I once told him I didn't need a provider. (This is true in one sense because I did say that I didn't need him solely as a financial provider. I needed him as a leader but I could earn enough money on my own to take care of me.) I pointed out that he didn't know what he wanted to do. He said I never let him do what he wanted & he hated himself for not risking divorce by standing up years ago. Hyde goes on to tell me that now I will never have peace because that is what I chose.
11/21 - He says he doesn't know why he let me go to that movie. (New Moon with a friend from work, during work hours....well, I mean I took vacation time.) Really? That's how the leader of a home should act? "letting" their spouse do something that has no impact on them? And then holding it over their head later?
11/22 - I asked Hyde to stay home with ShortStuff and me because we are both sick. He started in about how I chose to go on my business trip even though he was sick & how he didn't miss any work. I said well maybe we feel differently since I've missed two days of work & you were able to go deer hunting while I was gone. He starts doing that thing with his fingers where he's playing the worlds smallest violin for me. I said you know it would be nice if you showed a little compassion & acted like an adult. So then he starts acting like he's playing a regular sized violin. I lost it & threw ShortStuff's bowl of food in the sink & stormed out. (Way wrong on my part!) I hate how Hyde is so horrible to me. I hate how he baits me. When I'm not sick, I can ignore him for the most part. Why does God let this go on? Am I really that horrible of a person that I deserve this? Please ask God to help me. God has turned his back on me & I don't know why. I can't live like this anymore.
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