The latest happenings

Apparently Hyde did not receive the text I sent him on Sunday night/Monday morning, so at 3 a.m. or so he calls to tell me he's almost home. I said well thanks for calling but we aren't there. He asked if we were gone for good or just for the night. I assured him it was just for the night. I took Monday off and kept ShortStuff home from school. Hyde took the day off as well. He called to ask where we were and I just said a friend's. He hung up on me. Later he texted to ask if he still had access to our bank account. I said yes and that was all I heard for several hours.

Around noon, I started getting our things together to head home. I sent a text asking if he even wanted us to come home. He said yes. I then replied okay we are on our way. Please do not yell. ShortStuff needs a nap and once he is asleep, we can talk calmly about where we go from here. He replied okay. Once we got in, Hyde and I both laid down with ShortStuff until he fell asleep and then we went to the living room to talk. He told me he went to talk to my dad to try to understand me. He seemed surprised that my dad confirmed that they had raised me to be independent and self-sufficient. Of course, this is what I've been telling him for 11+ years and all I meant by saying I didn't need him (or anyone) to provide financially for me. I never meant that as an insult or as trying to undermine God's law. Just that financial security is the least of my emotional needs and not why I got married. He didn't really tell me much of anything about his visit with my dad at this point. He also mentioned that it did not seem like I was very supportive of his writing because of what I had said about his pretending to work. I said that I was stressed with ShortStuff and popped off when I shouldn't have and that I was sorry. I went on to say that I really did hope he could turn writing into a career. This time, I refrained from saying, you know maybe you should start with blogging, or freelancing, or some such in addition to working on the book, rather than thinking you'll just sell a book immediately. However, he approaches this like he does hunting. He wants to get the big 5 of African game but hasn't killed a deer here in state.

One of the elders had called earlier on Monday and left a voice mail for Hyde. Hyde has very, ahem, strong feelings about that elder and so he called another elder and asked if we could talk with just him and his wife. They of course agreed and we are to meet tonight after services. I've since made plans for ShortStuff to go hang out with a friend of ours after services. The rest of Monday went fairly well. He went to the gym, came home, watched some tv and wrote some more.

My mom emailed asking if Hyde had told me much about his conversation. I told her that he had said very little other than the comment about the independence. Oh and that he had raised an issue about something he thought Dad believed about my views on Hyde being in law school. I'm not sure if I wasn't clear all these many years, if Dad misunderstood or if Hyde mis-relayed the conversation. With Mom, I tried to clear up that Hyde had not intentionally joined an all-girls study group, but rather that there was a night I was in Denver on one of my first business trips; I had tried to reach Hyde for several hours and Hyde had been studying with his group which did include some women. I flipped because I knew how close I got to my study partners when I was in law school, I was in a city where I knew no one and didn't have even a rental car and was definitely a newbie at business travel and we were newly married. I've told him repeatedly I overreacted for all those reasons and then later when he used this event as a reason to drop out, I begged him to stay in but he wanted me to promise/swear we would not have any more fights the rest of the year. I said I would do my absolute best not to fight but I couldn't promise there'd be none. So, that's why he says I didn't support him in law school and quit.

Tuesday went along fairly well up to a point. I forgot to mention that my mother in law sent us both a long email on Monday. As always, some valid points but not exactly seasoned with salt and not having 100% of the facts right. I did not respond other than to acknowledge receiving it as she requested. Hyde had not read it as of Tuesday morning. I'm still not sure he read all of it but he did tell her that we were going to rely on the elder and his wife rather than bringing any of our family into this anymore.

1 am Tuesday night/Wednesday morning - I'm awakened to hear "How can you sleep? Get up. If I can't sleep, neither should you. (ShortStuff had crawled in our bed around midnight and so he was there asleep beside me.) I told him that I was not going to do this. He then started in asking who I told and what did I tell them. I told him for a second time that I had asked a friend to talk to the elders. That first she was talking to Elder A, then Elder B came in and then Elder C. That she mentioned he did things like oh say wake me up in the middle of the night, constantly badger me about my diet and exercise, bring up things repeatedly from the past without ever letting them go, yells, cusses, throws things and the like. He walked out at this point.

Then he came back in and said "You are the rottenness in my bones. I'm ashamed of you and ashamed to be married to you. You are an egotistical, self-centered...and then he trails off without saying what was probably the next word there. Walks out for a minute and then comes back in and says I'm the biggest hypocrite he knows. Then he tells me that I'm not allowed to teach in the teen workshop weekend that is coming up in 3 days. He asks if I'm going to tell the elders or is he. I said you are going to have to do that.

He then starts in about how I had said I was going to call Elder C (the one he has crossed in the past I guess) and now he knows. I said right but so do two of the others and as I explained I asked our friend to talk to them. Then he says well you said you were going to talk to Elder C, Elder C now knows but oh you had nothing at all to do with it. (I wish I could convey the voice he was using at this point.) I again said I had sent our friend a note saying that Hyde would probably be most comfortable talking to Elder B and feel free to call Elder A, B or C. He said no, I'm not calling them in the middle of the night.

He starts in about how I had abused him for years and years. (As I've mentioned, I did hit him out of frustration almost every time we had a big fight for the first several years of our marriage. Regardless of the frustrations I felt, I was sinful to hit him and I've asked both God and Hyde to forgive me. Plus, it has been years since I've hit him.) Hyde then brings up a statement I'll forever regret saying. Years ago when I was still saying and doing so many wrong things, he said we needed to go to the elders about how I was acting. In a moment of shame/panic/pride, I said if you go to elders and tell them I hit you, I could lie and everyone would believe me without any hesitation. It is my biggest regret that I ever said that for so many reasons and right now it is my biggest fear that people will assume that if I once said that I must be making all this up. One of the things everyone at work will tell you, I cannot abide lying. Any type of deception. I will willingly pay tons of extra money if a webinar is set up to charge per person, even if the host company would never know how many were listening in. My boss told me once I was too honest. I hope he was joking but that is one thing I try to do in every action. I'm scared to death that this one flippant comment, one that I wouldn't have carried through on, will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I mention that this was years ago, I had said shortly thereafter that I was very wrong to think/say that and I asked him to forgive me for reacting that way. He said well you need to tell the elders that you said that. I said fine. Then he said you need to go before the congregation and tell the congregation you said that. I said it is not a public sin and I did not think that would serve any purpose. (In my mind, I suspect he wants to paint me as a liar so no one believes anything I say about his actions....and of course that is my fear.) When I said that, he said but you said everyone knows everything. I said no I said the 3 elders know and then of course he knows our friend knows. Hyde responds yeah I guess I'll hear all about it tomorrow night (tonight) and about how he's done everything wrong and I'm so perfect. I said no, do you want to see the text I sent to our friend saying be sure and tell the elders that I want them to know I've messed up. LOTS. He refused to even look at the text.

All of this only took about 30 minutes and he went to the other room to sleep. By this point, I could not go back to sleep so I got up to try to fill out this job application that he asked me to submit to an area school on his behalf. A few minutes later he came in and asked if I enjoyed playing the victim Sunday night. Getting to run off and hide away and get all this sympathy. I said it wasn't an act. I needed to be around people. He then asked how it feels to be a brawling and contentious woman. When I didn't respond he said are you denying it? Are you? Isn't it ironic that everyone is so worried about me becoming violent when you are the only one that has ever hit. (Oh, one other thing. My mom asked me if Hyde mentioned that my dad met him at the back door and asked if he was armed. I said no Hyde did not mention that even though I had mentioned that the whole conceal carry passion will likely come up. My mom said she'd never seen my dad as concerned as he was Sunday evening and he wanted to make sure someone knew he was on his way there in case Hyde snapped.)

He starts off to bed, again, and then comes back and says oh did you tell the elders about how you just can't let your ex go and you can't just give him up? I said again I didn't talk to the elders and no our friend did not mention that. Hyde says well you said that. Are you saying you didn't? Because if you are saying you didn't say that you are a liar. A liar. That's what you are. And then he heads to bed. This time he stays there. This morning he got up and didn't say a word to me and barely acknowledged ShortStuff and didn't say goodbye when he left. I can handle him not saying goodbye to me but don't take it out on our baby. Then a couple hours later he texts to make sure my dentist appointment went okay.

Oh, if you wonder how I remember any of the conversations. He's in and out of the room a lot during these tirades and I try to write them down on my phone as soon as possible. I don't want to run the risk of trying to remember later and then expand or add my own twist to what was actually said because time has passed. (Did that make sense?)